Repairing The Damage Which We Created – Making Amends
There are times in our life where our words/actions cause pain, damage or angst for other people. Sometimes we do this on purpose because we are angry or hurt and sometimes we do this indirectly because we were not thinking about the other people in our life or because we did not realize the impact our words/actions were having on another person. Interesting enough it is often the people who are closest to us that we tend to hurt with our words/actions.
When we realize that we have caused pain to another with our words/actions we have some choices to make. We can take the path that we simply don’t care if the other person was in some way hurt by what we said or did and in some cases we may even feel that the hurt we caused was justified (Note, causing harm to another is never truly justified). We can take the path where we acknowledge the damage we have caused and offer an apology. An apology is often a good start; however most of us have been in a position where we say “Saying sorry just isn’t good enough!”
What does it mean when someone says or feels that “Sorry isn’t good enough”? When we say this it means that we feel the apology is hollow, it lacks substance, it doesn’t repair the hurt. Often times apologizes do come across as empty; this is especially true when someone says they are sorry all of the time or when they say they are sorry for the same thing they said they were sorry for ten times before.
Even the most sincere apology often falls short of repairing the damage which was done by ones words/actions. Many people have said they are sorry for their words/actions however after the apology they continue to walk around carrying quilt about the hurt they created. This continuance of guilt and the fact that the damage was not truly repaired is very real and it is not because the person is not truly remorseful it is because they have not backed their apology up with any action.
When we back an apology up with action that is called making amends. Making amends is so much more powerful than offering an apology. Making amends not only helps us clear the guilt from our soul it also and more importantly helps to repair that damage which was caused by our words/actions. We don’t hear much about people making amends and sometimes we call making amends by another name, we sometimes mistakenly call making amends punishment. This is apparent in correcting behavior of our children. For example a child shoplifts something from the local store and the parent discovers what the child did. The child is sorry. The parent takes the child back to the store, makes the child give back the stolen item and apologize to the store and also has the child show up at the store for the next two weekends to stock shelves and sweep the floors as punishment. By having the child go to the store on the weekends and do some manual work we are having the child make amends and in doing so helping them to learn a valuable lesson. The true lesson here for the child is not they must be punished rather that it is important to make amends, that is, to repair the damage that they created.
There are many ways we can make amends. Sometimes the way we make amends is by changing our behavior ensuring that we don’t cause the same hurt. An example may be the hurt a person caused because they decided to go out after work and didn’t call to tell their spouse that they were going to be late which caused the spouse to worry needlessly or caused plans for the evening to be ruined. One can say they are sorry which is a good first step however the way to make amends is to change this behavior and to not allow it to happen again. Making amends in this case is the action of picking up the phone and communicating plans with the spouse.
Making amends can get tricky. Sometimes the hurt or damage that we created can not be repaired directly. For instance, maybe we made some type of decision that created a rift between our self and our Father and because of this we didn’t speak or visit for the last five years of their life. Now they are dead and we are very sorry for the time that we missed with them, we are sorry because we were not there in their final years when they needed our help. They are no longer physically here, we are sorry, we offer up an apology to their spirit however how do we make amends? Again making amends is taking action. In this case we could make amends by spending time with the elderly in a nursing home or we could become a member of hospice and help those who are in their last days and their families through the transition of the end of this mortal body. By taking action we are making amends.
It is also important to make amends to our self. Sometimes we cause hurt and damage our self. It is important that we make amends to ourselves to repair the hurt and damage that we created for our self!
When do you make amends? You make amends today! Do not wait; you have carried the guilt of the hurt/damage that you created around long enough. Consider today what amends you want to make. You can be creative when making amends, think about creative ways you can make amends to those in your life whom you have directly or indirectly hurt.
One may consider making amends yet hesitate to do so because you believe the person will never forgive you, do it anyway! Being forgiven is not the ultimate purpose of making amends. The ultimate purpose of making amends is to repair that damage which we have caused.
Love doe not seek approval or forgiveness, love simply is. Be Love in all of your thoughts, words and actions!
Really great post. This is such an important issue — making amends — and I think it’s something we should all think more about. Thanks for writing about it!
Actions can definitely speak louder than words. And while it is sometimes extremely difficult to admit we caused pain, there’s such a great gift in forgiving yourself as well as asking for forgiveness.
I believe once you have found love there is no hurt. Love and all that is love stands by you through times of trouble as well as those of joy.
HI MARK-
I thought about what you said and more importantly I thought about what I had written in my comment. I am quite unclear as to what I would apologize for. When she asked what she needed to do differently so I would stop ‘boycotting our friendship’ I did say that for starters she has to take some ownership for the breakdown of our friendship. It was truly insult to injury’ when after I shared how hurt and betrayed I was and because I no longer felt safe with her I shifted away to protect myself from harm. She said that she never moved or shifted, and that since I did that therefore the responsibility is on me to move back. She would not acknowledge how hurt I had been which makes it unsafe for me to reunite with her in friendship. I would rather someone say, “I made mistakes, these are the mistakes and I wont make them again, I know how these mistakes hurt you”. I am all for moving forward in our friendship if that were the case. It is not. She holds me responsible for leaving the friendship and insists she never did anything intentional to harm me and the hurt I did experience I should in fact realize that she was angry and didn’t meant it!! WTF????!!!!!!! I tried to explain that it was a long time coming. I told her how hard I tried to excuse some of her choices and still find a way to be her friend. I shared that I agonized over losing her over time and that at some point the trust was shattered. I told her that for over 5 years if something wonderful or horrible happened to me she was in the top five people I would tell and that now, she isn’t even on the list. I shared that I don’t know when that happened, only that it did. I am grieving over her greatly and I feel such a loss because for years she was my dear friend and confidant – she changed Mark – and I couldn’t hang on – I tried – I truly tried. It became way too dangerous. I didn’t come to this place easily – I am really sad and really struggling because she cannot see any part as hers in how we ended up broken. She cannot even acknowledge I was hurt – only that I moved away from her with no intentional provocation on her part. That is such a huge gap – I don’t even know where to begin to fill in that void – I don’t think it is even possible. And yet, I cannot say the words I cannot tell her I don’t want to be her friend any more – My actions say that I am not but when she asks me to ‘’see it her way’ and just “get over myself” I could just scream. I don’t know what amends I could even make other than for my inability to continue to put myself in harms way. Any thoughts?? Phew.
Since you just suggested to me in response to my comment in your last post to “make amends to my friend” this post is quite timely, ey?
Love you
Gail
peace…..
People enter our life for a moment, and hour or a day, everything is not always meant to be “forever.” Good friends no when to let go and a great friend doesn’t place unreasonable expectations upon anothers soul.
I have had my two best girlfriends forever, our relationship has grown to respect and allow the distance that time and life places between us and after thirty years we still met up and spent a weekend together as if their was no time between us.
If you feel it is your time Gail to move on,follow your heart, guilt has no place in friendship, because friendship would not place unreasonable expectation upon another.
Mark gives an example but only you know what is right for you. Do because you love, don’t do because you think you should.
Love understands that a book has many chapters with many characters.
HI RACHAEL-
thank you so much for your kind and wise words to me. I love how yopu wrote that friendship would not place unreasonable expectations upon another….your heartfelt words have really touched me.
Love Gail
peace…..
Gail,
Here is the comment you posted the other day:
When I read this comment, I hear you saying that you were full of yourself and that you regretted that moment in time and I gathered that you felt you had hurt your friend and that is why I suggested for you to make amends. Now that I look at what you wrote today, I have a better understanding of what transpired. It sounds like you made a choice to place distance between your self and your friend because you did not feel you were in a safe environment with her. It sounds like you explained this to her and that she in turn placed the blame on you. I would say in this case if your were to choose to make amends it would be for anything that you felt you said that was hurtful, however your decision to remove yourself from a toxic relationship is a choice that you have made for you and doesn’t in and of itself require you to make amends. You may however choose to make amends with yourself for the guilt that you may be feeling over this entire situation. Remember you cannot control what she thinks or feels. You were honest with her and she has chosen not to accept responsibility. It takes two to tango and she is not acknowledging this. Send her love and let it be. There may come a time where she comes to you and is ready to take responsibility however until then send her love and love yourself. Peace to you my friend.
HI MARK-
thank you so much for taking the time to look back at my other comment and reply, in kind, to me, again. I SO appreciate your loving wisdom and I am “listening” intently. I feel so lucky to have found you.
Love Gail
peace…..
Forgive my typos, my mind hasn’t kept up with my fingers
Knowing when to hold on is as important as knowing when to let go.. peace to you as well.
I made amends to folks.. and it felt great..!! And was not difficult at all… I did not wait for them to make amends back to me… I’m just glad I did it for me and for them… (even if they were unable to apologize back for their part in things too).
Hi Mark…
I hurt someone quite badly in order to ultimately, hurt myself.
A complicated situation in which I have apologised and made as many amends as I can possibly make to the other person involved and yet, cannot make amends to myself becuase to do so would imply forgeveness for myself.
Sometimes I think that the best thing that we can hope for is to be at peace with all who are near us. For me though, I find it very difficult to ever forgive myself if I have caused someone else to feel pain.
This has been a particularly timely post and has been very interesting to read. Thanks for posting.
Gail,
I so agree with Mark’s wisdom.
There is a line between your responsibilty and your friend’s.
You just cannot keep trying to take responsibilty for something that is hers to own.
I’m sorry to hear the hurt it has caused you. Such a tough one.
X
I AM SO glad to see you – hear you. I was worried.
Thank you for your understanding words to me.
Love Gail
peace….
Wondering Soul,
Many people like yourself find it difficult to forgive their self for the pain they have caused others. I ask you to take another perspective. Do you believe God, the Universe, Source whatever we want to call the entity from which we come would not be able to forgive itself? Do you believe that you could ever do anything that could not be forgiven by pure love which is what God is? If you believe like I do that pure love can forgive any transgression, that pure love overcomes all then I suggest to you that you can and must forgive yourself. For you see, at your core, at your true being you are of God/Source/Universe, you are pure love. Love cannot help but forgive. Be the love that you are and let go of that which does not serve you. Carrying guilt does not serve you, be love, be your purest and highest self and come to know that the love whom you are will and must forgive all that has gone before. Loving you!
Great insight I am trying to teach my son that at the moment. He can be a bit rude at times. He apologises later and than keeps on saying the same thing again. I didn’t succeed yet
Reflecting on what you do is part of a learning curve. Remembering what it feels like to love and forgive wipes away any sense of the past. You choose to be present and to embrace unconditional acceptance of the self and others everywhere.
This is a wonderful conversation. I am sorry that I have come in on the tail end of it. Gail, there is only so much one person can do and I think Rachel has given you some good advice as well as Mark. Sometimes we simple out grow our friends.
You know the old saying “To be a friend you have to be a friend.” Maybe she is not a true friend, especially if she can not own up to her responsibility in that friendship.
I know that you did not say anything out of anger. I have and the one thing I have learned is that I try to never say anything in anger. I did that when I was young and there are some real doosies that are difficult at best to get over the pain. Words sometimes can be so hurtful and I never want to hurt anyone like that.
Sometimes forgiveness is about letting go of the hurt that someone caused. It by no means lets them off the hook, rather it is a means to help you to move forward.
I wish you the best and lots of love to you. Thank you for stopping by my blog and commenting on my Peace Globe.
Pam
I’m on step three.
Truthfully, I’m afraid to make amends.
But the beauty is, when I get to that point, I won’t be afraid. I just trust in the process. And I also remind myself…”It’s never about the other person”. If I’m ultimately NOT forgiven by them…well, that wasn’t the point anyway.
Great thoughts to ponder.
Mark,
Good post about fixing the mess that we create sometimes.
However, I would think that we should have the goal of eliminating the necessity of amends. Some people are very good hurting and amending.
I remember now an analogy that I read about this:
Somebody was teaching his beloved kid about hurts and amends, he brough her to a board and then hammered some nails at the board, and he explained to her, this is hurting. Then he removed the nails and explained to her again, this is amending. “Do you see the marks at the table? You can not make them disappear…”
Even when the other person forgives you and you forgive yourself, still, the Universe is not the same anymore.
We can see those nail marks at the board and decide not to hurt anymore. And at that moment we will be actually changing.
All the best
OOps! In the previous post when I wrote:
“Do you see the marks at the table? You can not make them disappear…”
I meant to write:
“Do you see the marks at the board? You can not make them disappear…”
Boris,
I love this story. I have seen different versions of it. This really drives the nail home!
sometimes i feel like i hold a grudge for so long i just dont know where to start.
Constructive Attitude,
I think the place to start is to ask yourself what good is holding the grudge doing for you? Holding a grudge ultimately hurts you more than the other person. You are holding poision within you. It is as if you were taking a dose of posion each day when you hold a grudge. The beauty is you can simply let go. Truth is, love, and that is what we are does not hold a grudge for one second. Love does not know or want to know how to hold a grudge. This practice of holding a grudge is a learned behavior and therefore can be un-learned. Be love, love yourself and simply let go of the grudges you carry. Put them in a box and throw them out, burn them in a fire, do whatever you need to do to release the grudges and know that you will be healthier because of this. Love to you!
Hmmm, this one has a lot of thoughts going through my head. I only apologize if I really mean it and I am willing to take on the responsibility of what that apology means. When I realize I’ve done something hurtful, I tend to beat myself up about it. I guess it’s a form of self-flagellation, I was raised saying Mea Culpa.
When I am on the other end of it, I bristle when an apology is put to me in words that sound like, “I’m sorry that you are mad…or…I’m sorry you feel that way…” Huh? I don’t need someone to apologize to me about how their actions made me feel. Anyway, those are just some of the thought going through me head.
Unknown Mami,
Interesting thoughts. When someone apologizes say “I am sorry that your feelings are hurt” or “I am sorry that you got mad over this” they are not really offering an apology as much as they are saying “I wish you didn’t get mad or hurt about this, however I really don’t care because I don’t think I did anything wrong”. When we do apologize we must mean it and we must apologize for our actions period not for the feelings of the other person. No reason to beat yourself up, this is learned behavior and can be unlearned.
In the program of AlAnon we learn that amends are for us, not for another. We make a sincere apology, followed with action. If we owe money, we pay it back. If we took something, we replace it. If we withheld ourselves, we acknowledge it.
Amends may not be accepted, I have no control over that. I can only verbalize that I hurt you, and I don’t want to be that kind of person anymore.
It sounds complicated (it’s not), and people in 12 step programs really procrastinate on this. But I found it easy, freeing, and people very forgiving and understanding.
Wonderful post…very insightful. Sometimes it hard to figure out what action to do to make amends… I guess the important part is taking out the time and effort in trying.
Apparently you and I are on the same wave length. I just posted a piece today on making amends, without having read this post. Mending a relationship that has been broken a very long time is especially the worst. I believe sometimes forgiveness consists of trying to make amends but if the other person isn’t ready to receive it, then you have no choice but to let go. Even at times, when the hurts run deep, I feel it is best to walk away. Maybe it’s just me, but I had to walk away from my father. The pain he caused reached the core. The only forgiveness I can give him for now is to attempt to forget the damage he caused.