Yes I Can Do That

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to have lunch with a co-worker and friend whom I used to sit next to in our department. We don’t see each other very often these days because he works at home and only comes into the office a handful of times a year. We had our usual catch-up conversations and we reminisced about days gone by. My friend noted how it was kind of amazing that we were still employed by the company. About two years ago our company was bought out and as a result there were massive lay offs and elimination of positions which were considered redundant. As a matter of fact the two of us were the only two people in our department who survived the transition. My friend said “yeah, everyone kind of laughed at me when I first started because I took on the responsibility for this one product, however the technical knowledge that I have learned and the skills that I have with this product has served me well and it is because of these skills that I am still employed here today”. I agreed with him and said “that is true, your knowledge and skills with this product has made you very valuable to the company, great that you followed your intuition”. I went on to kiddingly say “I am not sure what skill I have that has assured my survival in this company”. Without skipping a beat my friend said “Mark, yours is the skill of saying “Yes, I can do that!” At the time I laughed off his observation, however I knew that he was dead serious about his comment and observation. In reflection of my life, I realize that what he said is correct, I have not always been the most skilled or the most qualified for a job or task, however I have always been ready and willing to try to be; I almost always present a can-do-attitude and I have often over sold my abilities knowing that I would find a way to learn what I had to and learn it in a way that would surpass what was required of me. I once worked very closely with a gentleman who was very fond of saying “A man must know his limitations”. Every time he said this it rang untrue for me. My mantra is very much the opposite; one could even accuse me of not knowing what my limitations are. Please understand I have no problem saying “no” when no is warranted and I also know when it is in my best interest to walk away from what may be presented as an opportunity. Overall though, I do look at opportunities and I do often say yes I can before I have the full qualifications or skill to do so. For me I learn very well as I go. I have found that when I eliminate the fear of failure and replace that with “heck, I can learn how to do that or make this work, etc” that I often can and do accomplish what I set out to do. I love being open to new opportunities and challenges, in fact as my friend so aptly pointed out, I have built much of my life on the simple attitude of “Yes I can do that”. When facing a new opportunity or challenge there are normally two camps of people. On one side you have people who will look at what needs to be accomplished and see the possibilities of how to achieve the desired out come. On the other side you will have people who will list all of the reasons it can’t be done or all of the reasons they can’t do it. When I am confronted with people who find all the reasons why something won’t work I often will say to them, “I too can find a thousand reasons why this will fail, that is easy. The challenge and the excitement is to find the fewer ways that will work, to find the ways that will defy the odds or stretch beyond our perceived limitations”. What opportunities are you missing because you believe you are not qualified or because you don’t think you have or could acquire the knowledge and skills needed to be successful? What if I gave you a magic pill which would prevent you from failing? What would you try? What opportunity or challenge would you take on? Truth is there is no magic pill and this is never a guarantee that you won’t fail. What I do know is that you will never know what you can do until you make the attempt! I will let you in on a little secret and that is your chances of failure greatly decrease if you believe you can succeed! Time to step up to the plate, say “Yes, I can do that” and swing for the bleachers!

Secret Sauces and Magic Bullets

Often times in business and in our personal life we find ourselves looking for the “magic bullet” or the “secret sauce”, both terms of which refer to that one thing that will make it all work. In business when we are trying to create a way to bring in more customers or make more sales we often ask what is the magic bullet that will do this for us? When someone else is successful in their endeavors we often want to know what is their secret sauce that made it all work for them. I often find myself sitting in “creative meetings” (there is an oxymoron for you) looking for the magic bullet or secret sauce that is going to make things really take off!

The reality is there is no such thing as a magic bullet or the secret sauce. There is never one thing that makes something work in any situation, be it in our business or personal life’s. The search for the one thing that will make everything come together and produce the results that we desire is an elusive search for the Holy Grail. To believe that there is one thing out there that will magically turn our business or our personal life around is a false idea. This false chase was the basis of the American classic TV show, “The Honeymooners” where the lead character Ralph Cramden played by Jackie Gleason was always coming up with the next “get rich quick scheme” which inevitably would fall apart.

Many would love to find the short cut; many would love to become an overnight sensation. The reality of it is that there are no true short cuts, there is no signal thing that will magically make everything work for us. I have seen a few artists/actors be interviewed over the years where the interviewer would ask “What does it feel like to be an over night sensation?” to which the artist/actor would respond, “it feels like 20 years of hard work”. Of course what they are saying is that I didn’t just wake up today and achieve this, I have been working at my craft for a very long time and what you are now seeing is a result of all the hard work that I have done.

The same is true in everything we do! We are on a journey and our journey is a journey of learning through experience. Everything we do, everything we experience weather we perceive as good or bad is a lesson and an integral part of our journey. The wonder of our journey is that it is not limited by this thing we call time, our journey is eternal and we have an eternity to experience all that we create. We must learn to savor our experiences and not be in such a rush to discover magic bullets and secret sauces that we perceive will propel us forward faster. For at the end of the day, we will find that we have not circumvented our lessons and that our lessons will reappear in another manifestation that we could not foresee.

Looking At Our Gaps

This past weekend I watched a young woman emotionally fall to pieces. I watched as she felt that her world as she knew it was unraveling. Last week she had experienced some classic signs of high blood pressure to the point where she went to her family physician. The doctor confirmed what she had thought; she indeed did have high blood pressure. Her blood pressure was very high for such a young adult. The doctor advised her to immediately reduce her salt intake, reduce her overall caloric intake, quit smoking and start getting adequate rest and exercise, otherwise she could have severe health problems. The young woman was scared and at the same time angry. This young woman had been living a life of excess, living as many do without regards to the mortality of her body. She became very angry at the fact that she had to now live a more controlled life, do without some of her habits and have moderation in others. I watched as she emotionally fell apart and sobbed over the fact that she could not go eat salty French fries from the local fast food chain or smoke her pack of cigarettes. She yelled in anger and sobbed in despair not over the fact that she was having health problems but over the fact that she felt deprived, she felt that her life was not worth much if she could not live the life of excessive eating of unhealthy foods, smoking and burning the candle at both ends. As a matter of fact she worked herself into such a state that she ended up in the emergency room with what turned out to be an anxiety attack.

There was now a gap in her life created by her perception that she was missing out on all these things. The gap that she experienced was caused by removing external things that she believed made her happy and now there was nothing in its place. She felt as though someone had just torn a piece of her identity away from her! She now felt incomplete in a way that shook the very roots of her being.

This young woman’s experience while to some degrees extreme is none the less very common. Many people live their life with the belief that it is some external entity which keeps them happy or will make them happy. Many people come to identify so strongly with that which is external to them that they believe these things are the make-up of their identity. These externals come in the form of relationships, money, careers, cars, houses, other possessions, etc. Many people fill their life with external things because they have been taught by their parents, teachers and the engineers of marketing that happiness is found in having more external things in our life. We are told that we will be happy when, we get a good education, when we fall in love with the right person, when we buy a car, a house, a (you name it), etc. We are even sold beliefs, “if you believe in this, you will be happy or happier”. It is no wonder we are set up the way we are. It is no wonder that many people are in a perpetual chase for this thing called happiness and it is no wonder at all that so many people feel so lost when they lose the external thing that they thought was making them happy or would at some not too distant point in the future make them happy.

When we perceive that our happiness is based on the things we own or can buy, on a relationship, on our position in society, on our career or anything else external to our self we are setting ourselves up for a fall and sometimes that fall is a huge one.

If we have all of the external things that we think will make us happy then there does not appear to be a gap and in some cases there might not be a gap. Often times the gap only become evident when we lose something external to us.

Do you have a gap?

A simple exercise to determine if you have a gap is to ask yourself, what is missing in your life that you believe if you now had would make you a happier person?

If you came up with something, then there is a gap that you are trying to fill with something external.

Not missing anything, then ask yourself, if tomorrow I woke up and one of the following were gone would I be any less than I am today as person, would I feel that life was not worth living:

- house

- car

- money

- job

- relationship

- __________ (fill in the blank)

Let’s face it most of us would be saddened by the loss of any of these things for to lose many of the external things in our life could/would alter our lifestyle. The question is would you be saddened forever, would you have to run out and find another external thing to fill the gap that the loss left or would there not be a gap because you know that all these things are external and therefore do not alter who you are?

If you discovered that you have a gap, what do you do with that? How do you close this gap and not run to fill it with some temporary external thing?

The first thing you must do is become aware and then you must come home to yourself and understand your inherent value and that it is you who enhances all that which is external to you and not the other way around.

The gap that you may find can only be filled with one thing and that is your love for yourself! External things, such as money, homes, clothes, food, and even relationships will come and go, however you will always remain.

Fill your gaps with your love. Be love!

Push or Pull?

Have you ever took notice that most doors that go into public places, office buildings, restaurants, public restrooms have a handle on the side of the door which requires you to pull it open and a flat metal plate on the side which requires you to push the door open? This design is on purpose for obvious reasons. Our brain does a quick assessment of a door and we quickly know weather to push or pull to open the door. What happens if you place a handle on the side of the door that requires to be pushed to open it? I was reading about an experiment where this was done and most people attempted to pull the door open and when the door would not pull open, they would try to pull harder or they would think the door was locked. Can you picture the poor person pulling on the handle of the door only to discover that all they had to do was push to open it? Our visual perception tells us that the door should be pulled, so we pull.

You may be able to relate to having done something similar and pulled when you should have pushed or pushed when you should have pulled and then smiled at yourself when you figured out what you were doing was wrong. I know that I have done this, I have also struggled to pull a lid off of something until I discovered it had to be twisted off and I have twisted at lids to find out later that all I had to do was pull the lid off. Our learned perception sometimes fools us because things aren’t always as they seem.

Due to our perception of things or should I say sometimes our misperception of things we can cause the opposite effect of what we are trying to achieve. There are times where we sometimes get caught in a situation where we are pushing when we should be pulling, talking when we should be listening, in the noise of the world when we should be in the quiet of our being.

I have had the opportunity to coach many people in my life. Many people have come to me to help understand why something is not working in their life that once was working very well. They almost always say “I don’t understand, I am doing _________ the same way I have always done it and has always worked for me before” – My answer of course is “Then change what you are doing”. It seems so obvious to me, however to the person who is in the quandary of using tried and true behavior which is no longer producing the results that it once did my suggestion sounds like a crazy man talking. To change what once was a proven success formula seems counterintuitive, however, this is exactly what needs to be done, they need to change something; what worked for a person six months ago, two years ago, etc won’t necessarily work today. The world changes, we change and therefore our thoughts, perceptions and behavior must sometimes change.

Sometimes life feels as though we are in a darkened room bumping into objects and running into the wall as we attempt to find the door. It is during these moments when we need to step outside ourselves, become the observer and find the light switch. Often times the light switch is a simple change in our thoughts, our perceptions and/or our actions.

Consider today what you are struggling with. Become aware of what you are doing by becoming the observer. Note what seems to be the obvious, flip things around and look at them from different perspectives. When you do this, there is a very good chance that you will have an “aha moment” when you see what from one perspective seemed impossible to see and from another perspective becomes painfully obvious.

The next step is to have the courage to make the change. You may have doubt; your ego may say not to change … change anyway.

Change one thought and you could change the world. Be ready to amaze yourself. Be ready to have the courage to go beyond your own self imposed limitations. Have the courage to attempt to push when everything seems to indicate that you should pull!

Compounding Interest in Your Relationship

I was out and about last night and stopped in a coffee shop to get a latte. As I entered the coffee shop I causally scanned the sitting area which provided a quiet, welcoming and warm atmosphere for patrons to sit, enjoy their coffee and read or have quiet conversations. I quickly scanned the room as I walked toward the counter and I noticed a twenties something couple sitting at a small table along the wall. What immediately struck me about this couple was how the young man was so very engaged in listening to the young lady who was seated with him. His eyes were very focused on her; he appeared to be hanging on to every word she spoke. Not only was it obvious that he was intently listening, he did not show any signs of judgment in his facial expressions or in his eyes. I thought to myself, this looks like a first date or a new relationship.

Now it is a little sad that I made the assumption that this was a fresh relationship, however that is where my mind went. Why did I think this was a fresh relationship?

I thought this was a fresh relationship because in a new relationship we are very interested in getting to know the other person. Their story is a new one to us and we are often fascinated by their stories. One of the wonderful experiences of dating is the initial phase of discovery, the phase where we are trying to learn everything there is to learn about each other. Let’s face it, this is a huge part of the initial phase in a relationship, it feels good to have someone want to hear our story and learn about who we are. It feels wonderful for another person to seemingly hang on our every word as they try to learn who we are. The attention that we receive from the other person is a wonderful feeling! It is almost equally as fun to learn about the other person and to see how they respond to the attention that we are paying them.

In a new relationship we find it easier to show interest to the other person, because it is almost a natural part of the dating and new relationship process. Often time as a relationship matures we tend not to display as much interest in the other person, we tend not to pay as much attention to what is being said or not said by the other person.

This decrease in interest of each other does not usually indicate that we love each other any less. The decrease of interest or attention that we pay to each other often happens because we have done a great job at getting to know each other. As a matter of fact often times in a mature relationship we can complete each others sentences and seemingly read each others thoughts because we are so connected and we have grown to know each other so very well. In a way this is part of the natural evolution of a relationship and it is a part that we often enjoy.

The obvious downside to our need to verbally communicate less is that it can come across as a lack of interest and may even develop into a true lack of interest. If I already know what the other person is going to always say or react to a thought that I express, I can lose interest, for there are rarely any surprises. We know each other’s stories inside out to the point where we may even cringe when we hear a story being started for the umpteenth time.

We may get to the point where we don’t know what to say to each other any more and we find ourselves sitting through wordless dinners with each other or some may go the other route and create drama just so they have something to talk about.

When this happens the relationship becomes vulnerable. The relationship becomes vulnerable because each person needs to be shown interest and if someone outside the relationship shows interest in them, they could possibly gravitate to that person which is often the unraveling of a relationship.

What can you do to show interest in each other?

1. Be present! – this means put down the newspaper, turn off the cell phone or refuse to answer it, close the laptop, mute the TV and truly listen with undivided attention even if you initially perceive that what is being discussed is mundane or not that important.
2. Listen with your ears and your eyes! – make eye contact, show the other person that you are engaged and truly interested in what they have to say.
3. Listen without judgment – simply listen without forming judgments, without becoming defensive and without thinking about what you will say
4. Paraphrase back what the other person said – this demonstrates you are listening and ensures that you truly understand what has be said.
5. Break the silence – if you feel as though you have run out of things to talk about, that you have shared your stories and there is not much left to say, then it is time to create conversation. Talk about something you heard in the news, talk about something you saw on TV, talk about what is happening at work, talk about something you want to do in the future, talk about something you desire, talk about the dream you had last night, talk about a book you are reading, talk about something you read on the internet. Engage in activities together, often times new activities will spur conversation. The list goes on and on.

Bottom line, we all want to be shown interest, we like to be perceived as interesting by our partners and our friends. Do these things and your interest will be compounded daily which will result in a more interesting, satisfying and stable relationship. Show interest and you will become interesting to the other person!

Note of caution: Initially a renewed demonstration of interest in your partner may be perceived with suspicion that you are up to something, truth is you are, you are up to refreshing your relationship by building upon interest!

Where Are You On Your Journey?

Where am I on my journey?

The answer is simple right where I should be!

Where are you on your journey?

Of course the answer is right where you should be!

It is interesting how so many people feel as though they are not where they should be. Many people go through their day with the nagging thought that they have wasted time, that some how they missed the bus and they are behind the power curve and they are not where they should be.

We live in cultures where people are racing against each other, often times living in comparative modes. We often look at the other people around us and become disenchanted because we are not where some of the other people are in regards to relationships, material wealth, position at work, position within society, etc. The comparing of these things is ego driven.

When some people begin to step outside of the maddening race of the worldly life and begin to explore their spirituality they often carry their egotistic measurements of success with them. People begin to think in terms of spirituality and use words like enlightenment, and path which for many quickly become a form of measurement (ego likes to measure things). Often time’s people will become disenchanted with themselves because they don’t believe they are moving along the path quick enough or they are not obtaining enlightenment at the pace that they perceive that they should.

In their search for a greater understanding of spirituality people will seek the wisdom of others. This is a good thing to do for there are many teachers who will help us to understand, who will act as the catalyst to unlock that which is not locked; for all that we need to know is already divinely within us. In the search for the wisdom of others we will come across many who proclaim to have the answer, who proclaims to have the map to the true path. Often times these people will be loud in the way they express their beliefs, they will overtly advertise their “brand”, and they may even ask or demand money in exchange for their wisdom and their blessings. Be aware that those who loudly proclaim to have the key or to know the one path for they are rarely, if ever correct. These people are being driven by their ego; they have simply altered the race, instead of being an overt part of the race they covertly are part of the race under the guise of spirituality.

For myself the greatest teachers are quiet in their teachings, the enlightened ones are quiet within their being, they are not boastful, they are not loud, they do not stand in the marketplace and proclaim to be the one who knows, the one who has achieved a higher level of being or the one who has the answers. The greatest teachers are willing to share their wisdom when asked and they are willing to prod and act as a catalyst of thought to help you. The greatest teachers know that they cannot give you the answers for they do not know what the answer is for you. They also know that you already have all that you seek, they know that the answers lie within you, they know that there is no “path”, for a path indicates that what you seek is external, that it is out there somewhere; they know that all is within you and that if you do choose a path per say that they path will always take you home to where you started.

At any given moment take solace in knowing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be on your journey. You are never in the wrong place, you have never wasted time. Be grateful today for exactly where you are. If today finds you in pain or finds you in some form of hardship understand that there is purpose in today and that you are exactly where you should be and that even though you may not be able to understand the purpose of today that there will come a time when it will be very clear as to how valuable today is to you. If today you are confused, if today you feel lost, know that as your awareness increases the purpose of today will be revealed and you will come to understand the perfection of that which seems so imperfect to you at this time. Be grateful and rejoice in all that comes your way. Be grateful for where you are today and rejoice in knowing that there is great purpose in today and that you are exactly where you should be on your journey at any given moment.

Illusions

“Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth” – Ludwig Borne – Political Journalist

We love our illusions! We love the illusions we create even when our illusions fuel despair, aggravation, anger, etc in our life. The illusions which we create are much like a mirage that one may see in the desert after going a long period with out water while the hot sun beats down on them. A mirage is an illusion of the mind which sees what it has a strong desire to see. The illusion which we create is not unlike the mirage. We desire to see something and that is what our mind chooses to see. We hunger or thirst for something and even though in reality it is not there we choose to believe it is; we often do this to avoid what may seem like a painful truth and therefore we cling to our illusions.

Ludwig Borne was very wise in his statement that we can find much wisdom when we choose to lose an illusion. In our daily lives there is much opportunity to create illusions. We create illusions in our relationships by choosing to not see red flags that indicate that the relationship is not a healthy one. We often choose to embrace the illusion even though it is no longer in our best interest to be in a relationship with that person. Sometimes a friendship turns toxic, however we ignore the toxicity because we are under the illusion that friendships must last forever. We create illusions about our finances, spending more than we make or spending to a level that eventually will make our life uncomfortable, even though we live the illusion that what we do is creating comfort for us. There are many illusions that we create that we choose because the illusion shields us, albeit temporary, from that which we view is an undesired truth. We even hold on to “things” in our life because of the illusion that these things create for us. Many people have a closet full of clothes that they will no longer wear because they have gone out of style or because they don’t fit. The full closet gives you an illusion that you have more wardrobe choices than you really do. Many people hold on to items that they no longer have a use for because they think that some day they may find a use for it or that some day these things mind have some actual value (hint, that box of old 8 tracks, probably will never have a use or be of any value). The basket full of miss-matched socks that you have been collecting since who knows when, the mates to those socks are long gone.

I could go on and on with examples, both material, mental and emotional, however I am sure you get the point.

When we eliminate our illusions, when we clean out the corners of our closets, the corners of our mind, we begin to see more clearly and we open up space to receive all of the abundance that is available to us. When we create clarity by removing our illusions we are able to embrace the wisdom that lives within us and we are open to give and receive in ways which perpetuates our wisdom and the love and wisdom of all.

What illusions are you clinging to? If you eliminate the illusion will the long term gain, outweigh the initial pain? The answer is almost always yes!

It takes courage to eliminate our illusions and step into the light! Be courageous! Fear not!

I have never met a person who in the long run regretted that they let go of the illusion that they were living in. Every person whom I know that has let go of their illusions and stepped into the light tell basically the same story and that is they are so grateful that they were able to summon up the courage to eliminate their illusion for they are wiser and happier for doing so.

A Story of Love

Note, this is a re-post from June of 2007,  this story comes to mind as we near Valentines Day ( it still brings tears to my eyes)

While visiting my mother who resided in an adult assisted living facility I met another woman who lives there named Juanita. Juanita shared a beautiful story of love with me.

Juanita spoke lovingly of her sweetheart, her husband who had departed this world over twenty years ago. With a longing look in her bright blue eyes she told of how she had first met her husband on Saint Valentines Day way back when. She said that she knew from the moment that they met that they were destined to be married, which is exactly what happened within a year of their first meeting. They lived a loving life, had some children and lived in a modest beautiful ranch home which they both loved. You could tell by the look in Juanita’s eyes and the tone of her voice that this man was the love of her life. She stopped for a moment and pointed to the wall and said, “see those roses (there were roses all over the wallpaper), I sometimes sit here and count those roses, not all of them, just the ones around the top. See my sweetheart (her husband) gave me fresh red roses every year on Valentines day every year that we were together”. She sat for a moment and reflected on those roses, then she said, “they were always fresh red roses, except for the last Valentines day, that year he gave me silk red roses, you know the kind that never die. He gave me those silk red roses, and he unexpectedly passed away a week later. Now isn’t that something”?  “Yes, I said, with tears in my eyes, that is truly something”.

I am moved by her beautiful story not only because of the striking love affair that she had and continues to have with her late husband but because I have recently been exposed to a number of stories about people who seemed to have some indication that their earthly time was just about over. I wonder if everyone gets a sign, an indication if you will, and that only some have enough awareness to recognize the sign or that many people  choose to deny what they know at that time.

Juanita lived a blessed life, she had met, known and lived with her soul mate and even after twenty years had passed since his mortal body passed from this world her love continues to grow for him.

Of course I did not know her back when her husband and her were together, however from the look in her eyes and the sweetness in her voice I can only imagine that they both were very grateful for every moment they had together. To love unconditionally, to love with all your soul, ahh, what beauty, what peace.

Love today, love unconditionally, love with all of your soul, love with passion and you will truly be living!  This love of which I speak is not limited to romantic love. I am speaking of all of the love you have, love for yourself, your parents, your friends, your children, the strangers who come into your life. There are no limits to whom you love!

Live love !

Live an aware life!

Valentines Day – Just Another Day to Those Who Are Romantic

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

- Pablo Neruda, “Love Sonnet XVII”

Hearts, cupids, boxes of chocolates, flowers, cards, gifts, romantic dinners, poetry, these are some of the things that are associated with the celebration of Valentines Day on Feb 14^th. For some this will be a day of romance, a day where couples will proclaim or re-proclaim their love for each other. In some cultures this will be a week where school children exchange cards and treats with their classmates to express their friendship. For some Mom’s and Dad’s this will be a week of receiving heart felt, home made Valentines cards from their wee ones which are sure to melt their heart and to be tucked away in a memory box.

For many others, Valentines Day will be a day where expectations are not met or a day which serves to remind one of their lack of romance in their life. Some people will reflect on this day of loves they have known in their life and some will pull the covers up tightly over their head and anxiously wait for this day to pass.

If one is in a romantic relationship do we really need one day of the year to remind us to be romantic? The reality of Valentines Day for many who are in a relationship is that it is a day of expectations which often fall short. Romance cannot be bought at the corner Boots or CVS pharmacy in the form of a heart shaped box of chocolates. Despite what the florists and jewelers proclaim in their adverts romance will not be found in a new piece of jewelry or a special bouquet of flowers. Sure it might be nice to be thought of, however if the action of that thought is the same action that millions of other people are taking is that very romantic?

Romance can not be purchased, nor can romance be forced. Romance is a feeling, romance is an energy that we express about someone whom we love. We can no more force ourselves to be romantic than we can force ourselves to fall to sleep. Have you ever said to yourself now I am going to go to sleep and you lay there your mind whiling as you once again say to yourself “go to sleep, you have a big day tomorrow” and you find that the harder you try to sleep the more sleep evades you? Romance is the same way. When we say, “Oh its Valentines Day, today I am going to be romantic” we typically fall short of expectations simply because romance cannot be forced.

In a healthy loving relationship, Valentines Day is simply another day of an ongoing romance and should be treated as such. When a couple is romantic towards each other, when that energy permeates their relationship, there is no need to have a “holiday” which forces romance or reminds us of the need to show our appreciation to each other.

In a healthy loving relationship, romance is ever flowing and Valentines Day happens throughout the year.

I remember one time stopping by the local grocery store early one morning before I went to work to grab a bouquet of flowers for my sweetheart. It was an ordinary day on the calendar, no Valentines Day or Mother’s Day or anything like that. When I went to pay for the flowers the lady behind the counter looked at me and said “You must be in trouble!” I laughed and said, no I was not in trouble, just in love and that I never would give someone flowers when I was in trouble. For me, I would never use flowers or candy or any other type of gift to buy forgiveness. I rather give these types of gifts when they are unexpected. I find it much more romantic to give and receive tokens of appreciation when there is no external reason, when the only reason is that romance is bubbling over and that I feel a need to express it in an external way.

Valentines Day will certainly be marked by some romance this coming week; however for many it will be a day of missed expectations as romance expressed will come across as contrived or as an after thought to simply keep one out of trouble for not forgetting to express their love on this day. This week will also be a week where those who do not have a romantic partner will feel that they are missing out on something and still for others who are in a difficult relationship, this week will tend to bring those difficulties to the surface as they face the fact that their relationship is not the kind of relationship that they desire.

Valentines Day can serve as a prompt for us to realistically assess our relationship and to initiate navigational changes. It can serve as a day to reignite the spark in our relationships. This day can also serve as a day to remember to love our self, to be kind to our self, to treat our self with romance. Remember romance is an outcropping of love, it is not limited to couples, romance is a way of being, it is an expression of the energy of love which flows in all of us, for at the core of being we are love!

The Layer Man

Last weekend my clothes dryer quit working and I had to go to the local laundromat to dry a few loads of clothes. While my clothes were drying a tall middle aged man with a long graying ponytail and an equally long gray beard came in to do his wash. He carried a small canvas bag which had his laundry detergent and some light clothes in it. He then said aloud to anyone that was listening to not be alarmed as he took off his clothes. I took a closer look and realized that we was wearing multiple shirts, and as he began to take of his pants, it was clear that he had multiple pairs of pants and sweat pants on. As he peeled off each layer of clothing he casually explained that it was easier for him to wear his dirty clothes in layers than it was to carry them.

Strange as this seemed to me at the moment, I knew that this man was a teacher, there was a lesson here.

As odd as his wearing his dirty clothes in layers rather than carrying them in a bag was, there was some wisdom in what he was doing. In life we often talk about the baggage that we carry with us. We use baggage as a metaphor for things that have happened in our past such as failed ventures, failed or toxic relationships, things that happened to us in childhood, etc.

Consider what happens when you carry a heavy bag in one hand, the bag places stress on your arm, your shoulder and your neck. Your body feels out of balance. We will usually switch the bag from hand to hand to relive the strain. In life we carry our “baggage”, our baggage also may manifest itself in what we call stress, which shows up in the form of stiff necks, headaches and other physical pain and we often feel off balance as we shift our “baggage” to attempt to relive the stress that it causes.

Metaphorically we often say we need to simply let go of our baggage, put it down and move on. While letting go of things in our life is important, there is always an element of our baggage which remains with us, an element which we may carry, lighter yes, however still baggage which we carry.

Our odd teacher had something right. Who we are today is because of everything that we have experienced and how we choose in the “now” to use our experiences. We in fact are comprised of many layers. It is easier to wear our layers rather then carry them. When we wear our layers the weight of our layers our evenly distributed, resulting in balance and much less stress. We can choose to peel off layers, cleanse them and put them back on. We can choose to recognize the value of our layers and all that they have to offer in our growth.

Today, I suggest that you rid yourself of your baggage and instead wear layers. You will feel more balanced and less stressed as you embrace all that is you and choose today how you will use all of your experiences to grow.

Love yourself and all that is you! Wear your layers with love!