Undefining Beauty

What is beauty? Is beauty able to be defined? We are told that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, however turn on the TV, open a magazine, surf the internet, look at a billboard and you can see that most modern cultures seem to strive to define beauty for us. This desire for cultures to define beauty is not new, ancient Greek cultures strived to define beauty as is demonstrated in their art. Writers and artists by virtue of their art have often directly influenced what we accept as beauty. As we look back through history it is clear that what is accepted as beautiful by a culture is a moving target, what was considered beautiful at one point in time is not always considered beautiful today.

Consider how we come to accept what is beautiful. Beauty is perception and our perception is greatly influenced by the culture we are exposed to. Most of us can look at another person and make a determination if that person is beautiful or not. The reason most of can do this so easily is because we have been trained by our culture to define what beautiful is and is not. Likewise most of us can look at a scenic view and make a determination of it’s beauty. Again this determination of beauty is often influenced by what our culture has defined beauty as. Defining beauty becomes a little bit more difficult when we go to an art museum. Many people who enter an art museum may find that they are confused by what has been deemed beautiful. One may find themselves looking at a painting or sculpture which have been said to be an object of beauty saying to themselves, I just don’t get it. Truth is, it’s not that you don’t get the beauty of the object, you simply have not be trained or conditioned to see the beauty of the object in the way that an art aficionado might.

See when we are exposed to something for which we have no cultural context of influence we begin to see beauty purely from our true inner perspective.  The wonder of beauty is that the only definition that truly applies to beauty is what we see and how what we see makes us feel. This is why one person may look at a John Pollock painting and see random dribbles of paint while another stands in awe of it’s beauty.

Beauty is all about perception, our perception. The sad part is that our perception of beauty may be very twisted and influenced by our culture and therefore we miss the beauty of many things in our day because of what we have learned to accept as beauty.

I believe one of the biggest struggles we have with beauty is seeing our self as beautiful. When we look in the mirror do we see the beauty that is us, or do we compare our image, our self to beauty which has been defined by our culture? As it is that we must truly be able to love ourselves fully to be able to truly give love to others, we must be able to fully appreciate our beauty to truly see all of the other beauty by which we are surrounded.

We come in many shapes, sizes, colors and designs yet we are all part of the same whole and that from which we come is pure love and there is only beauty that can come from love.

Accept your beauty and the beauty of all that is around you. You will be amazed at how much beauty there is in this world and you will find yourself shaking your head in confusion at the limited view the most cultures have about beauty and how they try so hard to confine beauty to a set of rules.

Signal Your Intentions

When we are driving on the open road and a car ahead of us makes a sudden lane change or a turn without using their turn signals it can cause frustration and often times an accident. It is important for drivers to signal their intentions to ensure everyone has time to respond accordingly. Makes sense right?

In our relationships the same thing applies, if we don’t signal our intentions than we can cause frustrations and often times can cause the crash of a relationship. Often in relationships a person does or says something that is unexpected and worse yet often unexplainable and the other person is left thinking well why did he/she do that? What was their intention behind what they just did? When this happens we create frustration in our relationship because like the driver above, we simply failed to signal our intentions. Now some of us may cop out and say well I don’t always have an intention I simply acted spontaneously and that is what happened. Truth is, it is very rare that we don’t think, speak or act without intention. This is even truer in a relationship. In a relationship we almost always think, speak and act with a conscious intention. We usually know what is going to cause frustration of the other person before we say or do it, don’t we?

In the initial phase of a relationship, we may even do and say things to see what buttons we can push and then later in the relationship when we know each other fairly well, we may choose to do or say things that intentionally push the other person’s buttons because we want to create some sort of reaction.

When a person in a relationship is not clear of their intentions behind words/actions, it leaves the other person open to imagine what those intentions might be. Depending on the health of the relationship, leaving one to their imagination about the other one’s intentions can be a recipe for unfounded frustration and fear and quite possibly the downward spiral of a relationship.

A relationship is a partnership and within a successful partnership we must be willing to communicate on all levels, that is, we must be willing to communicate beyond the surface level and clearly communicate what our intentions are behind the things we say and do. When we enter into a relationship we do not have the ability to do a mind meld and know every thought that each other is thinking. Yes, it may feel as though we do, because in the beginning we often find ourselves completing each other sentences as we grow to know each other in intimate detail, however the reality of a relationship is that we never ever know everything that is happening in the other person’s mind and therefore we must be willing to communicate what our intentions are behind our words and actions. When we communicate our intentions openly with each other we reduce the chance for miscommunication and for misunderstandings. In fact, we begin to live a very real relationship, one which we may choose to accept or walk away from, however real in the end which will save many a tear and many from being disillusioned for long periods of time.

Makes sense right? So why don’t we signal our intentions, why do we allow ourselves to be misinterpreted? The number one reason is fear. We fear that if our true intentions were known that the other person would not accept us for who we are. The other reason is that when it comes to relationships, especially new relationships, we love to live in “illusion”. The illusion we create often seems so much better than the reality we suspect exists and often we would rather feel good living in the illusion than to brave the reality that may be there, for we fear that the reality would not be acceptable and we would be forced to make some serious decisions.

Do your self a favor today and ensure that you are open about your intentions behind your words and actions and don’t assume that he/she knows your intentions. Don’t fall back on the old “well he/she should know my intentions by now, I shouldn’t have to explain them to him/her at this point in our relationship”.

You would be surprised how many people in intimate relationships know more about the acquaintances and strangers in their life than they do about the person they sleep with every night.

Relationship Maddness: Make Me Happy!

“Make me happy!” This is the mantra of many people in a relationship and it is this mantra that often ends up being the demise or many relationships. Now, people don’t overtly say “Make me happy”, however in many subtle and not so subtle ways this is what they want.

Another person may enhance the happiness and joy that we already have, however another person can never make us happy. If I am not happy with myself than it is unreasonable to ask someone else to make me happy. When I am unhappy with myself and I enter into a new relationship I may have the illusion of happiness. Chemically my brain is producing the feeling of euphoria and it certainly seems that the other person has changed my life and made me happy, however this is only an illusion. This feeling of happiness because of how another person behaves towards us is a thin veneer that can easily be disrupted and often is. When couples are having problems you may even hear people say she/he just doesn’t make me happy any more or I have done everything to make her/him happy and they still seem miserable and I just don’t know what to do.

Where does this type of complaint stem from? It often stems from the beginning of the relationship when one or both people were not happy with themselves and they relied on the other person to do things to make them happy and as the relationship matured they found that the other person was no longer making them feel happy. Is it because the other person changed, maybe, however the reality is that we can’t make each other happy.

Happiness is an internal component, it is not something that we get from the outside, it is not something someone else gives us or something that we can buy. Happiness cannot be found in another nor can we make someone else happy.

Therefore in a relationship the way we feel, the state we are in is our responsibility and not the responsibility of the other person. When the other person does or says something or exhibits some type of behavior that is less than we expect is it fair to say that this person is making us unhappy? Is it fair to expect the other person to always do things to make us happy, of course it isn’t! Is it fair for another person to expect us to always make them happy, of course not! We all know that always trying to make another person happy is exhausting and in the end impossible. Often times when you are in the state of making someone else happy or relying on another person to make you happy you lose touch with your authentic self as you become this other person who’s state of being is based solely on making someone else happy or relying on someone to make you happy.

The end result is almost always the same; we lose ourselves in an illusion of a blissful relationship only to find in the end that we have lost our own true essence to some extent and are truly no happier than we were before we allowed this other person into our life.

The old adage that we must first love our self before we can truly love another is very true.  When we love our self and find happiness within than our happiness is not dependent on the thoughts and actions of another person. When we reach this level of self love than a relationship with another person is often the most beautiful thing you can imagine for our state of being is not dictated by the state of being of another.

In a way we become like stained glass, a work of art and beautiful in its own right and enhanced even more by the light of others, however if the light of others should diminish, like the stained glass we are still a beautiful work of art.

Examine your life:

Are you waiting/relying on others to make you happy?

Are you constantly trying to make other people happy?

Remember your state of being, be it misery or happiness is an individual choice and responsibility.

Seeing Past the Hate – Constructing A Conversation of Love

This past weekend was Labor Day weekend in the United States, traditionally the last official hurrah of the summer, backyard barbeques galore. I love these social gatherings; they give everyone an opportunity to meet with people who are often outside their normal social circle. This was the case for me this weekend. I sat and talked and listened to many people. As I sat at one table, there was a person talking about the Presidential election and how she wished that if Obama got elected that he would quickly be assassinated. When I asked why she would wish such a thing on a person, she essentially said it was because of his race. Now, what does one do with a comment like that, it was highly unlikely that talking with her in regards to race would have any real impact? This person was not a stranger to me; she knew how I felt about hate for any reason. I sat for a moment and thought what I could say that would change her desire to wish this man dead. What words could I use to negate the fear, hatred and negative energy that emitted from her being?  I knew I could not appeal to her religious beliefs for she is not a person of any particular faith, I also knew that I could not appeal to her sense of right and wrong, for she fully believed she was right in her thoughts.  I could appeal to her from love for all humans and that we are all connected and originate from the same source, however again, she was not in a state of mind to hear any of that. What I did say to her was, “We must be careful what we wish for. Consider for a moment that Obama was elected and your wish fulfilled that he indeed was assassinated what the aftermath of such an action would be. Think about what would quickly happen in this country, think of how that would directly and indirectly impact you”. I watched her face as she got it, she then quietly said “you are right, the possible consequences of my wish coming true are greater that I had imagined.”

Note, I did not change the fear/hate in her mind; however I believe I did throw water on that portion of her negative energy by asking her to consider the reality of what she wished. I then went on to talk about the men who were running for election, their character, their history and not their gender, race or creed. I then spoke of the power of love and the power of our thoughts.

I am simply amazed such hate still exists, which is born of fear of the unknown; in this case; possibly fear of a perception of losing some type of imagined racial position. I am not naïve to such hate, I fully know it exists, all one has to do is turn on the news to see examples of it. I think what I am amazed by is that there is such hate in the minds of individual people, that even when taken out of the group element they still spew such venom.

Hate for this person is a habit. The next day this same person was telling us in a bragging way how she can’t stand one of her co-workers and often comes home and stick pins in a voodoo doll to inflict harm on this person and take out her hostilities and she proudly said that the pins that she sticks in the voodoo doll often seem to work. Of course, if one sends out enough negative energy in any form it is going to have an impact, just like positive energy such as that found in prayer has an impact.

As I listened to this person on a variety of subjects, I found that hate for her was indeed a habit, something that she was proud of and felt was even entertaining for other people. When she spews her hate in a nonchalant manner, people do tend to listen and what is even more disturbing, most people join in on the hate talk, quietly nod or do not say anything at all about what they disagree with which perpetuates the hate that seethes from this person.

Yes, there is hate in this world, there is much negative energy and much of this is simply a habit of the ego, a lack of awareness and a cover-up of fear that lives in people’s minds. The good news is that beneath the veneer of hate is a soul of love, a soul which cries to be released. Underneath all of that hate is a knowing that what is on the surface is not real, it is simply an illusionary self image which is very fragile and one which could be discarded with awareness and courage.

May we all look into our soul and let go or our fears and allow love to be the rudder of our life and may we be the light that is the catalyst for others to let go of their hate and be the loving soul that  they truly are.