Denying Desires, Cravings, Needs

“I want a big slice of rich chocolate cake, topped with a fudge frosting that will just melt in my mouth, yum, but I can’t have what I want because I am on a diet and the kind of cake I want is simply not allowed. I really, really, really want that piece of cake! As a matter of fact I can’t stop thinking about cake today, even as my boss was talking to me, he started to look like chocolate cake, ugh!”

What you just experienced is a form of conversation that goes on in many people’s minds daily. I used cake in the above example because most can relate to having this type of experience. One could easily replace cake with anything that we are denying ourselves, be it food, sex, love, a day of quiet, an hour of doing nothing, a good cry, a burst of anger, a scream, etc.

Many people live in self denial of something that they want/crave/need because of a belief system or because they want to change their behavior in some way. Now there is a distinct difference between denying oneself something and choosing to live a life where that desire no longer manifests itself because of how we choose to be. For instance, I may choose to be a vegetarian because I view vegetarianism as a healthier lifestyle and/or because I don’t believe in eating animals and because I have made this choice with conviction and much thought and connected emotions to it I don’t have a desire for the taste of meat. In this case one is not tantalized by the sizzle of a steak or the aromas of a backyard grill. I simply do not have a desire to eat meat. However if today, I told myself that I am no longer going to eat meat, even though I love the taste of meat, even though I don’t fully believe that this is a healthier lifestyle, even though I am okay with eating animals and I am doing this because of some half hearted reason, then guess what I am most likely going to crave meat and salivate at the smell of cooked meat and if I don’t soon eat meat I will suffer to some degree and eventually I will breakdown and eat meat which will be followed by quilt and false promises to myself, which in turn perpetuates the wanting and self suffering.

Another way to look at this is when we are full of what we believe and what we feel then there is no room for the desire of wanting something that doesn’t match our beliefs/feelings. An example of this would be when a person is in a loving committed romantic relationship one does not normally have room for thoughts of being romantically intimate with another person, matter of fact one in this situation often becomes oblivious to the people who may be interested in them. In this situation we are so full of the other person in our life; there is no room for a serious craving or desire of another. People often experience this in the first part of a new relationship. They are so engulfed in the other person, so full of the other person in their life; the desire for someone else simply is not there. We make look at others and acknowledge their beauty, however the desire to be with them does not exist. In other words, we are so satisfied with what we have we don’t feel as though we are missing anything or making a sacrifice, so there is no frustration over that which we don’t have.

Today I ask you to think about the things that you feel that you are denying yourself that cause you to want them even more and ask yourself:

1. Why are you denying yourself this thing?
   1. Is it because you desire to change a habit?
   2. Is it because you don’t feel you deserve what you desire?
   3. Is it because what you deny yourself is tied to some belief which you don’t fully believe?
   4. Is it because of some other reason?
2. Is what you are denying yourself causing you in some way to suffer, be it an unsatisfied need or craving?
3. What would happen if you chose not to deny yourself of this want/need?

You will have to dig deep; this is not an exercise that you will complete in a few minutes. To really dig deep you have to create an awareness of how you think and feel and most importantly become aware of what you deny yourself and what the impact of that denial has on you. As you go through this you will hopefully have some realizations which will propel you to a better understanding of yourself and will give you a new freedom which will remove you from a behavior of denial.

Keeping Our Relationship Fresh

“Let me look upon you this moment for I will never see you this way again“

When we meet someone for the first time and we make a connection, we can feel the sparks fly for we are truly interested in what is unfamiliar about each other. This is often what we refer to as the honeymoon stage or falling in love stage of a relationship. What we do not know about each other invites excitement and opportunity as our relationship unfolds. This newness in a relationship is often exhilarating as we listen and look intently to learn that which we do not know about this person who holds are fascination.

As the relationship matures, we learn more and more about each other and often times as we become more familiar with each other the excitement of the new relationship wanes. We find it more difficult to have conversations which at first seemed so natural because we often know through familiarity what the other persons thoughts are on a given subject. We often become less aware of each other the more familiar we are with each other and this often becomes a point of dissatisfaction in a relationship. One hears this expressed when one says, “She/he doesn’t really know me” or “she/he doesn’t get me” or “it feels as we have drifted apart”.  These are common laments of people in long term relationships.

We know that being in a committed relationship breeds familiarity, which in many ways is a good thing, how then can we keep our relationship “new”, vibrant and exciting? How do we maintain an authentic interest in each other?

The first step to keeping our relationship fresh is to be aware of the pitfalls of being so close and understand that this closeness, this familiarity does not have to breed staleness in a relationship, in fact even as we learn so much about each other that we can still find ways to continue to learn about each other every day and not take each other for granted.

To keep our relationship evergreen so to speak, we must approach each day if not each moment as a new moment and a new day. We must look upon each other with the understanding that we will never ever see each other again as we do at this moment and appreciate all there is to appreciate about each other in that moment. We must think back to what it was like when our relationship was new and remember how we thought about each other, how we did things for each other simply to be kind, how we looked upon each other full of love and how we melted as we looked into each others eyes.

There is always something new to learn about each other if we take the time to ask questions, spark conversation and truly listen. There must be endless ways in which one can engage each other in a way which will create an everlasting newness, ways that build on the familiarity with each other rather than succumb to it.

Creating newness in a relationship is sometimes extending beyond you comfort zone as a couple or as an individual. You could take an evening college course together, read a book together, take dance lessons together; all of these things will spark conversation and newness within a relationship.

When is the last time you had a date night, where you left the day to day life behind, went to dinner and held hands across the table and looked deeply into each other eyes, or simple went for a walk around the block together, holding hands and talked about your day? These are just a few things that can you can do to re-new and keep your relationship new.

The key is awareness and generating a true interest in each other and not assuming that you know all there is to know about the other person.

Be in love every day, discover and continuously rediscover each other and you will find that the person you thought you knew so well is so much more than you thought.

Be in love with yourself, be in love with the person you are with and soak in the light which will emanate from your relationship.

When What We Think We Believe Conflicts with What We Do Believe

Is this an upward or downward spiral?

Often times in society we take a position on how we feel about certain issues. The one I will use to illustrate my point is sexual orientation. I witnessed a person I know go through a mental/emotional conflict the other day. Recently this person’s close friend had shared that she is homosexual. In today’s world that should not come as to big a surprise or even that big of an announcement. The person’s friend handled this news very well on the surface and their relationship did not skip a beat. As the days went on the news spread within their social circle that this person was a lesbian. Still, no problem, best friends being what they are love each other and one’s sexual orientation did not make an impact on their relationship. Then it happened, someone within their social circle accused the one friend of being a lesbian because one of her best friends was a lesbian. Now this accusation unseated what was lying just beneath the surface of this person. She immediately defended herself in a very loud way stating that she was not gay, that she was not a lesbian and did it in such a way that made one believe that being homosexual was some sort of disease.

What I witnessed was a conflict that many people go through as they struggle with how they truly feel about different issues. In modern society we have learned to be politically correct, we have learned to suppress some of our feelings and thoughts and practice some form of tolerance to the point where we even fool ourselves about what you believe and how we feel about different aspects of our life and society in general.

In the above case, this person accepted homosexuality; however her deeper beliefs were uncovered when her sexuality was challenged. In my lifetime, I have seen this played out in so many different ways, race, gender, even machismo. I listened to people openly defend the rights of others only to succumb to the pressure of the masses when push came to shove, when it became personal.

Interesting enough, this conflict between what we think we believe and what we do believe is a product of our fragile and insecure ego. Our ego has a fear of labels; it fears the very labels which our deeply rooted within the ego, the very same labels that the ego projects on others to falsely shore up the house of cards which our ego is.

When we gain awareness of the difference between ego and spirit and an understanding that the spirit always comes from love we then begin to understand there is no room for tolerance of other people, there is only room for total acceptance. When we love, we do not fear what others may think or say about us, for we understand that their words and thoughts do not have any true impact on who we are. We understand that we are not fragile beings who are defined by the thoughts and opinions of others or by the accepted views of a culture. When we are coming from spirit we use love as our tool, for it is our way of being and we love freely, without expectations of reciprocity.

It is a wonderful exercise to challenge what we think we believe and why we believe what we do. Who or what do you lack acceptance of? If you think about it from a viewpoint of pure love and acceptance and with an understanding that your acceptance of other thoughts does not change who or what you are you then begin to accept and allow your fears to fall away to be replaced with a knowing of love and acceptance.

Love the world!

Which Way Should I Go From Here?

“Would you tell me please, which way I ought to go from here?”

That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.

“I don’t much care where …” said Alice.

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.

 

                                            – Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland – by Lewis Carroll

 

The above quote interests me. I believe there are many people asking this very question. People are seeking direction and they turn to many sources looking for guidance on which way they should go. The truth as Lewis Carroll so aptly demonstrated in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland is that many people ask for advice on which way they ought to go from here, however the issue is they don’t have a clear picture of what there purpose is and therefore where they want to go.  

Without a sense of where we want to go, it is no wonder that we become confused by all of the advice that is available to us on how to get somewhere. For many of us it as if we are a sail boat set upon an open sea with out a rudder or compass going where the wind of the day takes us. I know this feeling intimately for in many ways my life has taken the direction of where the winds of the days have taken it. My life has been a wonderful journey, however in many ways a life without a sense of direction and as I observe others, I find that many people live their life the same way. So it is no small wonder that many people find themselves working jobs they don’t enjoy, living life’s they are not happy with, in relationships that they do not desire to be in, etc. When we are adrift, it is natural to find ourselves caught up on the rocks, stranded on a sandbar, moored in unknown and unexpected harbors or destroyed by the ravages of storms.

A life without purpose, without direction is a life of existence rather than a life of living. A purposeful life is fueled by passion. A life lived without purpose is an undulating sea of experiences which often leaves us tired, distraught and confused.

You may say to yourself, I don’t know what my real purpose is, or I know my purpose, however I tried and failed or I know what my purpose is however, it won’t pay the bills.

These are a few reasons for not living our purpose or should I say excuses. I think the hardest and most common one of what I listed is “I don’t know what my purpose is”.

 This is understandable, for most us live in cultures which do not advocate knowing who we truly are and which also in many ways attempt to dictate our purpose based on our social/economic station in life.

The truth is, we all know our purpose or have at least had a glimpse of our purpose. The trouble is that many people have buried their purpose under the daily weight of life or under the weight of not feeling worthy, talented or smart enough to pursue our purpose.

We set up many self limiting thoughts which cause us to bury our true purpose deep within ourselves to the point where we do not acknowledge it or cannot seem to find it.

To know our purpose we must set aside all of the limitations which we have set for our self and create an awareness of our true self. This is the only true path to discover/rediscover our purpose. When we do discover our purpose, it is up to us to hold it high and drive ourselves towards living on purpose. This does not mean that we must walk totally away from our current life; it does mean that we must make adjustments in our mind and in our life to passionately live on purpose and with purpose.

When we do this, then the questions of which way we should go makes much more sense and we will receive a clear answer to get us on the correct path to our purpose.

Call it following your dream, call it being true to yourself, call it what you will, living on purpose is truly living and your life will forever change to the positive for living your life on purpose!

Relationship Magic

When we go to see a magician we understand that through mis-direction and slight of hand we are going to be perplexed by the magic tricks that a magician entertains us with. In the back of our minds we know that what we are seeing is an illusion; however we are entertained because we cannot figure the illusion out. If we were able to figure out how the illusion was orchestrated we would quickly realize that there indeed was no real magic and the trick would lose its impact to entertain us. Therefore, most people may think about the illusion; however they don’t try to hard to find the truth behind the illusion simply because they don’t want to spoil the magic.

This is the same situation many people find themselves in as they enter a new romantic relationship. Truth is that when we are infatuated with another person, we truly relish the illusion and we want to hold on to the illusion as long as we can, therefore even though on some level we know that much of what we are feeling, seeing and sensing is an illusion of sorts, we are okay with that, because we are enjoying the feelings that the illusion is bringing us.  This is the exact reason why at first, we may not see what in retrospect were obvious signs that there were things about the other person that should have been red flags for us. Often times as we look back we will blame ourselves and say how could I have been so blind, how could I have missed the signs that this person had an addiction problem or that they lacked integrity, had money problems or that they were already in a committed relationship/married? The answer is almost always pretty simple, the signs were all there, however we did not want to disrupt our illusion, we did not want to stop and ask the questions we should have asked because we did not want to burst the bubble, the illusion and accompanying story that we had developed.

The magic of falling in love is very seductive, it produces real chemical reactions within our body and we are literally doped up and don’t want lose that feeling. Falling in love is one of the most wonderful events in our life that we will ever experience. Falling in love is a grand time and at the same time falling in love is when we must make a conscious effort to raise our awareness and not be blinded by the dopamine that is flowing through our system. We must move forward with eyes wide open as we enjoy the wonder of a new relationship and be willing to risk bursting the possible illusions by recognizing the red flags and asking questions. If we don’t we stand the risk of going deep into a relationship that can quickly become toxic, feeling there is no way out.

If you enter into a relationship and you say to yourself I can fix this person to be a better person or in other words the person you want them to be, than you are creating and living an illusion. An illusion which will inevitably reveal itself and possibly become something you can’t live with.

If we choose to fall under the spell of an illusion, it is most likely that at some point the relationship will fizzle, because once the illusion is revealed, our interest level in maintaining the relationship fizzles and we then desire to simply end the relationship. You will even hear people in this situation say that we simply fell out of love, the magic was gone.

Truth is relationship magic is not magic at all. Relationship magic is being fully aware of each other, it is being our true self and not donning masks which will melt away as the length and commitment of the relationship grows. Relationship magic is recognizing each other for who we truly are, warts and all. Relationship magic is being each others best friend and loving each other without conditions and accepting each other without a plan to “fix” each other.

The true magic in a relationship is not really magic, it is consciousness, purpose and unconditional love for each other that has the strength to weather the constant changes which occur in our life daily.

It may sound very romantic to call ones relationship magical, however the real magic in a nourishing, positive relationship is that there are no illusions.