Relationships – Communication – It’s Rarely About the Words
What is one of the pivotal points of any relationship? The pivotal point is communication; quite often the better the communication the stronger the relationship. The weaker the communication the weaker the relationship is.
When we talk about communication in a relationship, communication is not limited to the words we use. As a matter of fact, how we communicate is rarely about the words we use! In a relationship we communicate with words, yes, however much more is communicated through things like our tone, our body language, our eyes, our facial expression and our reactions after the exchange of words.
Words themselves are very powerful and can be used to invoke both positive and negative reactions from each other. How and when we use our words is even more powerful. In a long term relationship we learn when it is best to communicate certain things and when we choose to be less than nice, we know exactly what words and actions will push the other person’s buttons.
In some relationships it appears that pushing each others buttons becomes the game of choice, it becomes a somewhat dysfunctional way to keep each other entertained within the relationship. Some people even get to the point where they will use button pushing as a way to entertain their friends as in “Watch what she/he does when I say _____”.
When we are less then honest with our words, the tell is usually in our face, eyes, actions and reactions and usually the other person quickly picks up on our insincerity.
The simple phrase “I love you” can evoke many emotions or drop flat depending on how we say it and when we say it. When it is said in a perfucntionary manner it tends to fall flat and have little to no impact. When we say it in the place of an apology or because we know we have been less that we could be or because we want something then it loses its power. If the only time we say “I love you” is in the throws of passion, then it too may lose the desired impact.
The key is we must learn and re-learn how to communicate with each other in a way that is sincere, in a way that is caring. We must choose to listen which is much different from hearing. We must choose to speak from a place of love and not use our words, facial expressions, body language to invoke guilt, pain or any form of insincerity.
If you are in a long term relationship, think back to when the relationship was new and you were in the exploratory stage of the relationship where everything was new and exciting. Even the silent times you spent together were full of communication, flirting with the eyes, smiling at each other as you passed in the hall just to let the other person know that you loved them and felt happy that they were in your life.
As relationships mature, there doesn’t appear to be as much to explore about each other and some of the “cute” stories that you initially love become the very stories that take you over the edge when you hear them for the umpteenth time.
The truth is that this is all a point of perspective and a willingness of both people to keep their relationship new and exciting in a positive way. There is so much happening in the world on a daily basis, how could you possibly run out of things to talk about. I recall a long term relationship I was in many years ago, where I came home and read the paper every night while the other person made dinner. Now you may say, so what? The key is that I came home, stood in the kitchen while she cooked supper and read the paper out loud and we would discuss the things we found interesting in that day’s news. We never ran out of conversation, each night we had great fodder for conversation and we never knew where it was going to take us. This was a purposeful way to keep our conversations fresh and alive and it kept us close and knowing each other better through the thoughts we would share.
As in almost everything we discuss here, the first step is to increase awareness. In this case we must create awareness of every aspect of our communication with each other. Awareness and honest evaluation of all the ways which we communicate can be very enlightening.
This is a wonderful post! Utilizing all the forms of communication also invokes the senses more. Touch is a powerful form of communication. And writing notes and letters has become somewhat of a lost art.
I value the subtle nuances we can learn to read between the lines. The post itself prompts considerable reflection on communication.
Life constantly reminds me people don’t always see eye-to-eye.
The mother of a friend of mine for instance, often complains he doesn’t ring her enough, he doesn’t visit her enough and never says to her, “I love you.” Her negativity leads her to focus on what she isn’t getting and inadvertently, she chooses to overlook the meaning in his gestures (and compassion expressed by other people).
Her son actually speaks with her by phone at least weekly. He does visit her, but she usually chooses to have the tv going and to watch at the same time. She also reads the paper, does crosswords or listens to horse races during his one hour or two hour visits. He brings her little gifts from business trips and sends postcards on occasion. He offers her attention, but she doesn’t know how to accept it. She has been in hospital repeatly for breathing trouble and talkis increasingly about dying.
Turns out, she was in a handful of abusive relationships. When her son was small, he heard his mother’s violent husband tell her he loved her after he beat her. Other violent relationships followed. The mother also attempted suicide more than once in part because she felt unloved. In desperation, the son told her he loved her while she was in hospital during her recovery. The child grew up to stop telling his mom he loved her partly because he feared she would attempt suicide again. The result is her child associates pain with love as an adult.
The mother has a hard time accepting gestures of love or compassion from anyone, perhaps because she has never had a sense of what that is. When a sincere male friend express love to her in gestures, she doesn’t take in because of her low self-esteem and low self worth. She judges based on having a sense of being judged. Ironically, she pushes away the kind of communication she wants and needs.
Thoughtful post!! True, small silent gestures no longer finds its place if the relationship gets taken for granted. Expression is as much needed as essence in this world of happening. Yes, the base remains as awareness for one’s own self. Excellent reflections and full of insights!!
Oh dear mark You always hit the nail right on its head. (It’s a Dutch expression. Hope it is an english one as well) Anyway I am married to a very private person bordering asperger. probably because it runs in my family as well I found him So communication is not optimal. I wouldn’t change him however for the best communicator.
I learned to recognise his way of affection.
I feel I am always going a bit against the stream. Sorry about that.
I absolutely agree! I have so much more joy now that I am in a relationship with someone I can communicate honestly with and be safe and supported and loved for it, instead of someone trying to use what I say against me. It makes things so much easier!
Thank you for sharing your wonderful thoughts.
I think the most important thing is to make time to communicate – as you did with your newspaper reading. The actual words may be less important than genuine, loving attention.
Great post Mark, as always. My husband and I share such a passion for the arts that I doubt we’ll ever be at a loss for topics of discussion!
I heard somewere the other day that telling your partner something (big or small) that you appreciate about them when you go to bed every night is a lovely way of saying ‘I love you’ by saying it in other ways.
Great post. I love how you touch on subjects and bring in discussion. This is a great discussion.
Being in a loving relationship was hard for me at first. I was in a few abusive relationships before, so this loving one at times seemed to be boring. But, I soon found comfort in the peace. Don’t get me wrong we had our ups and downs. But for us the key was learning how each one communicates. I needed discussion now. He needed it after he’s thought things through so we found what worked for us. We use to have one car, so we’d drive the kids to school, then me to work and we’d talk on the way there. We watch TV and discuss the shows. We also read books first him then me and we discuss. The boys also get involved in all of this. We have great topics especially now was we watch the campaigns. We talk about the perspectives of others and understanding each other’s perspectives. So, communication doesn’t strengthen the relationship of a man and woman, but in the family. It really brings us closer together and gives us a respect for one another. My son’s girlfriend finds it odd that we discuss so much of everything. But, she’s feeling more comfortable now and joining in.
The one thing that I learned from a TV show was always make sure to have physical contact. Even when there’s nothing to discuss have some form of contact. So, when we watch TV we hold each other’s hand or we sit very close to each other that our arms are touching. I can’t say this this is the reason why we’ve grown stronger and secure within our relationship. But, it’s comforting.
Thanks for the post!!
My partner and I work together a fair bit of the time, in the music business. We are constantly moving into areas that are new and exciting for us, and we often find ourselves chatting excitedly about the things going on. I know that if I find things are getting dull, it is really me that is getting dull.
Cheers – Robin
the key was learning how each one communicates. I needed discussion with the subject and tell him about more information cretirea.
As always a most excellent post, Mark!
I’m not sure that I have much to add other than I think in long term relationships it is sometimes very easy to get busy with life and believe you are communicating well and then wake up one day and realize you haven’t been. Communication isn’t something just for which we build an awareness but it must be intentional and deliberate. The ability to communicate well is not a skill you learn, then check off the list and move on to something else, but rather to maintain healthy, thriving relationships we must also be focused on continual self-evaluation of how we are doing in that area and renewing our commitment to it.
Thanks for these insights. Good vs. faulty communication can make or break a relationship.
We can not hide truth as you said, it is in our expressions, our willingness to see each other our whole being. We do not have to voice language in words. Words are a minimal part of communication.
Thanks for the reminder to take a look at myself and how I communicate to others.
nice and thoughtful post.
Tania,
Welcome! Yes we communicate in many ways and it is important to be aware of how and what we are communicating. Even when we think we are not communicating we are. Thanks for stopping by, you are always welcome here.
Liara,
Thanks for sharing such a powerful story which illustrates the power of communication and the story behind the story which we often do not see.
Merging Point,
The complexity of communication becomes simple as we increase our awarness. Thanks for your thoughts and kind words.
Marja,
“hitting the nail on the head” is a very common term in the US. It is great that you go beyond the accepted norm and have a deeper understanding and relationship with your husband than many do because of and despite him being a boarderline Asperger case. Thanks for sharing.
May,
It is wonderful to hear that you are in a relationship with healthy communication. This is key! Thanks for sharing.
Simon,
Ah yes, making time in our life is key to the success of any relationship. We can always make time if we desire to. Thanks for your thoughts.
Simmone,
It is great that you and your husband love the arts. It is very important to have passions that you can share. Opposites may attract however without some common passions that which was at first attractive becomes the very thing that pulls a relationship apart. Thanks for sharing.
Scarlet,
Sounds like you have created a wonderful enviroment of healthy communication within your home! I love the things you are doing and know that it is the mortor of your relationship. Thanks for sharing!
Robin,
It is wonderful that you both share a passion for music and that you are able to work together. This gives you much to talk about because you have a lot in common. Thanks for sharing.
Lastminute,
Glad you enjoyed and welcome. Your thoughts are always welcome here.
Bop,
Yes, communication is a concious effort that is always evolving within our relationships. We must stay aware and not take for granted that the other person can read us the way we think they should. Thanks for your thoughts.
Paul,
Good to hear from you. Hope all is well. Thanks for your thought.
Soulintention,
True, it is almost impossible to keep a “poker face”. We must be aware. Of course if we are always honest then there is less chance for miscommunication. Thanks for your thougt.
Geetika,
Welcome! Glad you enjoyed and I hope that you stop by often to share your wisdom.
This is a wonderful post. I find that when the conversation turns to talk only of work, this is a sing that there is something that needs to change. Work conversations are great but there is so much life to be lived and so much to share. My last long term relationship – we knew one another so well that words could heal and love as well as they could cut and hurt. We learned the nuances of tone and voice. We felt through silence as much as anything else. Two people who communicated well… the conversation would never end.