If you developed a romantic relationship without being able to see what a person looked like and they were not physically present and the entire relationship was initially built on intellectual, emotional and spiritual attraction prior to physically meeting each other, do you think that this relationship would have a stronger foundation than most traditional relationships where physical attraction was an initial factor?
How important is physical attraction? Must physical attraction first exist or can physical attraction develop as the intellectual, emotional and spiritual attraction develops?
It is my observation that romantic relationships which are built primarily on physical attraction for the most part are built on a shaky foundation. Two people can be extremely physically attracted to each other yet have very little other connection. When this exists, then the relationship is often doomed to descend into a hellish abyss with fleeting moments of physical bliss.
This is not to say that initial physical attraction can’t lead to a rewarding, long term romantic relationship. What I am pondering is that given the choice, I know that I would much rather have the opportunity to fall in love with the non-physical side of a person first, for I know that with that as the foundation of a relationship the attraction would be so strong that the physical attraction to each other would be a natural progression of the relationship. With this type of holistic attraction each person would only have eyes for each other. This attraction would be there because I would love the soul of this person, love who they are, who they have been and who they are yet to become. When we are connected on a higher level, then the love grows even as our respective bodies change with age, or change because of some external circumstance.
This perspective changes the way we may approach a new romantic relationship. There is much to be said for saving the physical side of the relationship for a point in the relationship where a true connection has been made on the intellectual, emotional and spiritual level first. Once these connections are made, then the physical side of the relationship will be that much more fulfilling.
For most of us, sex without the emotional, intellectual and spiritual connection is just sex, a moment of physical release and bliss, however a very short moment which leaves you wanting for so much more. The want that you desire, is to be able to look into the other persons eyes, to cuddle up next to each other, to hold onto each other with a knowing that you are fully connected on all levels. This is true fulfillment. When you have this, sex is simply a part of the whole, it is not viewed as a separate entity.
As our perspective of physical attraction and sexual satisfaction in a relationship shifts, the door to more holistically fulfilling relationships opens up. The ego which craves immediate satisfaction takes a back seat, the spiritual side of us drives our relationship and much to the ego’s surprise we achieve what we desire and so much more!
Posted by Jomay on July 7, 2007 at 2:47 am
I quite agree that physical attraction is not a basis for a relationship. My husband was not the type I would normally go for and it wasn’t just the way he looked that appealed to me but his personality, sense of humour and wamth as a person. It is a person’s whole being that we fall in love with ultimately and once we go beneath the surface, the looks become unimportant! It is all these other traits that keep our relationship strong, not the initial physical attraction.
Posted by tobeme on July 7, 2007 at 2:57 am
Jomay,
Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship that is built on a true holistic attraction. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!
Posted by coffee messiah on July 7, 2007 at 3:38 am
Who am I to judge? I have a pretty good story from art school that changed my attitude, but may be too long for here.
My last 11 yrs has been with a lady I met through a “mail art” network years before we met. After awhile it was a year of art back ‘n forth. Then. letters and phone calls before we met.
I packed 5 boxes, knowing I was only going to some back and tie up loose ends. We met face to face for the first time, but already felt the bond that “love” tends to grasp, whether we realize it or not.
We are closer now than ever. Never had such a good relationship, and equal, all around! ; )
Posted by suzyqueue on July 7, 2007 at 4:34 am
Great post, mark! I agree completely that relationships built on the intellectual, spiritual and emotional aspects are much deeper, stronger, more organic than those based on physical attraction. Physical attraction can be so distracting, so when meeting in person for the first time, one must make an effort to see past another’s physical appearance to the deeper, more important aspects. How many people really do this, or rather make a decision about someone in the first 30 seconds after meeting? First impressions are everything, so if you get to know (and, presumably, love) a person first, that impression stays with you long past the first meeting and into ripe old age. imho, of course
Posted by Pamm on July 7, 2007 at 6:44 am
I agree that relationships built on soul are much more fulfilling than on surface qualities. I live in a somewhat remote town so did lots of online dating stuff. The man I’m with now thrilled me no end online and phone. We got very close so by the time I met him I felt a strong connection. Physically he is a little startling to me and not what I would normallly be attracted to…but that didn’t matter at all. I’m so glad that I got to know him online first to have had that connection before physical stuff gets in the way.
Posted by Ask Lucid on July 7, 2007 at 7:51 am
I absolutely agree with all that is said, but it is not easy to find someone you can fully connect with on a spiritual level. I think this form of relationship comes with a certain level maturity and development. Tell a hormonal teenager to go for the mind/soul and not the body and they will look at you like you have four heads
I liked this post because the concept can be applied to all relationships. Yes, sexuality is usually with a partner, but the part about having the deeper connection is soooo true!!!
Thanks again!
Posted by Tumel on July 7, 2007 at 8:40 pm
Hello, I think I have always been attracted to ones thoughts how they acted and how they expressed themselves moreso than what they physically looked like, but there have been some that I have wanted to become more connected to physically and others that I did not feel this way about so I do not know how to explain this, maybe it is a form of chemistry?
Posted by Paul Martin on July 7, 2007 at 11:13 pm
Sounds right to me – although it would be interesting to take a poll! That is, there’s more chance of answering this question “experimentally” with the arrival of the internet. I haven’t personally had this experience – falling for someone online and then meeting them in person – but I suspect it would generally work as you say.
I say generally because sometimes there does seem to be something to the “chemistry” business. Most of us have probably had the experience of meeting someone theoretically “eligible” – maybe as introduced by friends – but even though we find nothing wrong with the person and like them, there’s just no “spark.”
Posted by romancingthecrone on July 8, 2007 at 2:01 am
Ahh…yes. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What is beautiful about a person in our eyes is uniquely attuned to our innermost needs and desires. If we aren’t in touch with our innermost needs and desires we end with the wrong people for the wrong reasons.
Friends have told me they felt physically beautiful people were too intimidating to approach. The fear was they would only want someone of physical beauty equal to their own. I’ve heard this from men and women. Hmmm..
Great day to you, mark. Thanks for this beautiful post.
Posted by Carla on July 8, 2007 at 9:07 am
I have to agree. Someone might be physically quite attractive, but if I can’t connect to them on other levels, I just don’t find them so. I am happy to see all these inspiring relationship stories. It gives me hope.
Posted by Loving Annie on July 8, 2007 at 8:01 pm
Being compatible on ALL the levels is important. You can have wonderful platonic relationships, but without the physical eventually adding to it, that lack of chemistry cannot be faked.
Posted by Random Magus on July 8, 2007 at 9:52 pm
For me physical attraction is very linked to a mental attraction – simply put I don’t attracted to people whose minds don’t fascinate me. Sexuality is so much of a power game between two minds and is so much stronger and powerful then in any case!
Posted by raffi on July 9, 2007 at 12:59 am
physical attraction is the hook, but the ‘line and sinker’ is the personality, soul, and spirit. looks will pass with time, it’s the inner beauty that lasts a lifetime.
Posted by Grace on July 9, 2007 at 1:51 pm
I definitely like the idea of falling in love with a person’s heart and soul first, rather than get swept away in the storm of pure physical attraction. It’s definitely the ultimate. On the other hand, I am (now) very cautious about developing any sort of ‘relationship’ where a physical meeting isn’t somewhere early in the timeframe…maybe not right away, but before any romantic feelings of ‘love’ would really begin to take root. Let me tell you why.
I met my last boyfriend during my one and only Tour of Duty through the vast wasteland of Internet Dating. We met within days of me joining, ‘connected’, and then started to get to know each other. I saw his picture so I knew what he looked like….but it was the rest of him that I really started to get excited about.
Due to my own cautiousness at the time, it was 3 months of ‘bonding’ before we actually met face to face. During that 3 months, I basically ‘interviewed’ him
and we would talk and talk for hours on the phone about everything! (or, it ’seemed’ like everything). Nothing romantic or sexual, just things like our jobs, our kids, our likes/dislikes, past marriages, etc. We actually became the best of friends. Then we met.
He wasn’t what I initially would have chosen, but my heart was very attached to him by that point and so how I viewed him physically was definitely colored by my affection and I was “attracted” to him based on that.
But you know, during those first few physical dates, I was getting ‘hits’ left and right….body language, eye contact, just the general vibe of things when they are said in person rather than on the phone. I didn’t listen to them though, because we had bonded in friendship and such so much by that time, I didn’t want to give up that easily. Neither of us did – in fact, our deep friendship kept us going back for more every time we broke up. You know how that eventually worked out….and I have since spoken to him and we agreed that we probably wouldn’t have even dated for long had we met in person first. I wouldn’t have had my heart so engaged, and I would have found it much easier to walk away after receiving those signals.
Now? Well, I like the idea of having any physical fireworks put on hold long enough to get to know a person. And what’s inside of them is DEFINITELY the most important part. But now, I wouldn’t go too far into it without having that face to face meeting.
I’ve had some other experiences that I’d rather not go into here. But they have only strengthened my resolve.
Posted by tobeme on July 10, 2007 at 1:33 am
Coffee Meshiah,
Thank-you for sharing such a wonderful story. Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship that is built on a solid foundation.
What about chemistry, when you first met, was there chemistry?
Posted by tobeme on July 10, 2007 at 1:48 am
Suzyqueue,
Great thoughts! I agree, we do tend to make a judgment in the first 30 seconds of meeting someone, often times we miss out on some special people because the first impresson was not good.
We must learn to see the soul of each other and let that be our yard stick.
Thanks for your thoughts!
Posted by tobeme on July 10, 2007 at 2:12 am
Pamm,
Thanks for sharing your story. Glad to hear that this relationship worked out so well. So, let me ask you, was there an instant chemistry between the two of you?
Posted by Chemistry? « The Naked Soul on July 10, 2007 at 2:13 am
[...] my previous post “How Important is Physical Attraction” many people agreed that emotional, intellectual and spiritual attraction were more important [...]
Posted by Grace on July 10, 2007 at 2:56 am
Just to make my last comment clear
I found my exboyfriend very attractive and told him so often. But I don’t think either one of us would have ‘picked’ the other out of a line up, if we hadn’t already had such a strong connection already built. What we saw in each others HEARTS made us look at each other differently on the outside, in a positive way, if that makes sense!
And the friendship took us through some very difficult times…and at times, I still miss that part – unfortunately, it go torched when things went south.
Posted by Mark on July 10, 2007 at 3:22 am
Lucid,
You are correct, it is not an easy task to meet someone whom you connect with on all levels. I guess that is why we date, to explore, to find out who is out there who works and who doesn’t work. The key here is before you make a lifetime commitment to someone that you are aware of how you are connected or not connected.
You are right about teenagers, of course one would hope that teenage dating is simply that dating and not trying to mate for life.
Thanks for you thoughts!
Posted by tobeme on July 10, 2007 at 3:29 am
Tumel,
Ah, chemistry! Chemistry seems to be a prerequisite for everybody! Thanks for your thoughts and welcome!
Posted by tobeme on July 10, 2007 at 3:38 am
Paul,
You hit upon a key theme. This business of chemistry is very interesting. I agree, there must be a chemistry between two people for things to work. The key is discerning between chemistry and anxious hormones.
Thanks for your thoughts!
Posted by Pamm on July 10, 2007 at 6:04 am
Mark, you asked if we had chemistry-
It formed. We had the connection from online, as I said. Then when we met, I was startled, as I mentioned..I also felt the dissonance when I first heard his voice on the phone.
But then when he touched me….when he placed his hand on my neck the first time, I melted.When we first started to make love, we both felt like we were “home.”
Thing is….if I had just met him and if I hadn’t stayed the course, I would never have gotten to the point of feeling our energy.
Ken Wilber has the same sort of story with his first wife. When they met, she was not attracted AT ALL. Then they hugged and she fell.
I don’t think it’s an easy one to predict…as to how or when it shows up. I don’t think it’s something that is only there from the minute we meet. I think it a mystery to let live and see where it goes.
Posted by tobeme on July 10, 2007 at 7:33 pm
Romancing the Crone,
You have stated this so very well. Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and if we are not in tune with ourselves we may very well be attracted to the wrong person. I love the thoughts you shared today, thank-you!
Posted by tobeme on July 10, 2007 at 7:39 pm
Carla,
I agree, phsyical beauty often fades very quickly when the person begins to speak. Thanks for your thoughts!
Posted by tobeme on July 10, 2007 at 7:42 pm
Loving Annie,
So very true, you can’t fake the chemistry, it is either there or it isn’t! Thanks for your thoughts.
Posted by tobeme on July 10, 2007 at 8:01 pm
Random Magus,
The mind is the greatest sexual organ! It is true there has to be much more then simply physical attraction. Thanks for your thoughts.
Posted by tobeme on July 10, 2007 at 8:07 pm
Raffi,
Very true thoughts, thanks for sharing!
Posted by tobeme on July 10, 2007 at 9:27 pm
Grace,
Thank-you for sharing so much about your past relationship. I think I have a better understanding of what you were saying in your first comment. The one question I have is, was there that thing we call chemistry present? I am still not clear on that.
I value you thoughts and look forward to what you share with all of us. Thank-you.
Posted by tobeme on July 10, 2007 at 11:04 pm
Pamm,
Thank-you for answering my question. It is amazing how a simple, innocent touch can change everything! Thanks for sharing so much of your story! Your thoughts are so appreciated.
Posted by Law of Attraction on July 25, 2007 at 3:47 am
Law of Attraction
Law of Attraction
Posted by Absolutely Befuddled on August 5, 2007 at 5:45 am
This is exactly how I have always felt about the laws of attraction until recently when Ive become unsure. My partner of 3 years and I talked for a year on the internet before finally meeting each other and starting our relationship. He seems to be absolutely perfect for me in every way, on every level and I love him very much, consider him family.
But this year I’ve found myself attracted to other people to the point its become a hindrance to every day thinking – and TWO people I’ve been attracted to, intensely (they don’t know obviously). This has basically left me overwhelmed with shame, guilt and doubt as to whether I’m in the right relationship, and I can’t stop thinking about what the “right” thing to do is. Surely if I feel this way this reltionship can’t be right? It can’t be fair on him to be with him yet thinking this way about other people? The attraction “spark” per say seems to have faded early on but the mental and spiritual exploration we have with each other is amazing and on that level, I know we could be perfect for each other for a long time if not for ever – its just the “spark”! What do I do?
Posted by tobeme on August 5, 2007 at 10:13 pm
Absoulutey Befuddled,
First, let me say that shame and guilt serve no productive role. These are negative emotions which you are assigning to yourself because you feel that you should. In almost any long term relationship, the physical “spark” changes, matures, it does not stay the same, nor should we expect it to. With that being said, you must give yourself permission to be attracted to other people on a physical level.
In your situation, when the physical attraction of other people becomes obsessive and acts has a hinderance in your current relationship, you are right to stop and ask yourself some serious questions about your relationship. Personally, I do not believe you are in the right relationship at the right time. The person your with may indeed be the person whom you should be with, however the timeing may not be right. Sounds to me, like you have some exploring to do. When it’s the right person and the right time, you will find that you are not very attracted to other people and that you lack the desire to intimate with other people. It may be time to seperate from your current relationship for a period of time to do some deep self exploration and then you will know if this is the right person at the right time.
Remember, this is not about the other person, nor is it about the other people whom you are attracted to. This is about you, you create your reality, you create your feelings. Knowing this you need to go within to decide what you want to create.
Hope this helps.
Peace and love!
Posted by Absolutely Befuddled on August 6, 2007 at 4:39 am
tobeme,
Thanks alot for your response, its does really help. I’ve been so confused about what to do and, even though I’m pretty sure I sub-consciously knew everything you’ve said here, I think I just needed someone to spell it out for me.
Another thing I’ve always thought I would do if I found myself in this situation would be to let go and, as you have said, if this is the right person it might just be the wrong time – our time may be in the future.
Oh well, heres to more “character building” hard challenges ahead.
Thanks again
A bit less befuddled
Posted by tobeme on August 7, 2007 at 6:04 pm
Absolutely Befuddled,
Glad that this helped you to recognize what you already knew. Letting go can be very tough, however the payoff for doing so is tremendous. Trust in yourself, live for yourself and all will work out. You are a beautiful soul, believe in what you know is the right thing to do. Go with your intuition and you can’t miss.
Love and hugs!
Posted by Absolutely Befuddled on August 13, 2007 at 10:42 am
Thank you! Well we actually broke it off today. Intersting how things work out, as it was my partner had been feeling the same way. I had been trying to start up “the conversation” with him but it wasn’t really getting there, but it did get him thinking and hes confronted some things that he realises now he had been denying a long time.
We had always said that once our relationship wasn’t beneficial to both of us we’d split..but after spending the whole day talking we discovered we were both denying it to an extent just to be loyal and so as not to hurt the other one, which we both agree are rediculous reasons to stay together. As much as we are sad for the loss of the era we had, we both feel like a weight has lifted. And we will stay friends.
Thanks for your help on this.
“feeling better”
Posted by tobeme on August 13, 2007 at 5:16 pm
Absolutely Befuddled,
You both have made a courageous step. The near future may be a roller coaster of emotions. Be confident that you have followed what you know is right and all will be well. You are the creator of your reality, create what you want and desire.
You are welcome for the help, however, you did it all. Glad you are feeling better.
Stay in touch!
Posted by Lysa on August 15, 2007 at 12:13 am
I am obviously having issues with whether or not physical attraction is important, or I wouldn’t be here. My story is special. The man in question and I met when we were seven and we loved eachother as much as children can love eachother. Now, we are grown up and found eachother on the other side of the country. I love his personality and his kind soul and even being near him, but I am still not physically attracted to him. He has admitted being very attracted to me. I hope that it may happen in time, but for now I don’t want to cross the friendship line. Should I just continue on being friends until maybe something magical will happen? I think my ego is in the way, as my ex was extremely physically attractive and is to all people. Am I just hung up on that?
Posted by tobeme on August 15, 2007 at 12:47 am
Lysa,
Sounds like he is very dear and special to you. From what you disclosed, besides not being physically attracted to him, I don’t hear you saying that any romantic attraction exists.
Sounds to me like you have a wonderful friend whom you love very much.
Romance and physical attraction can grow from the love of his personality and soul, however it can’t, nor should it ever be forced. You know what you feel and what you don’t feel. If it is not there, then it is not there, allow this to remain a deep freindship and if some place down the road it blossoms into something more, then so be it.
I am not sure that your ego is in the way. I do believe that in the end, we must also have some physical attraction for a romantic relationship to grow and thrive.
You must ask yourself, what is it that you want your ideal relationship to be. May I suggest that you write a want ad, not one to be published in the paper, rather one to clarify what you desire. Do this will not only provide clairity with the man in question, it will also provide clarity for you.
Remember, if you decide that freindship is as far as it goes for now, then you must be very honest with him, set proper expectations, let him know what you feel and don’t feel. This is the loving thing to do.
Love and Peace! Do what’s in your heart, be true to yourself above all!
Posted by Sue Ann Edwards on August 30, 2007 at 5:21 am
Most of us are looking for in relationships what we sense we are missing inside. Like two half’s getting together can somehow crreat an inner feeling of Being Whole.
And it never works.
Instead there is competition over which ‘half’ is going to feel temporarily more, while the other ‘half’ gets to feel temporarily less.
It’s part of the self sacrificial martyrdom beliefs most of us have been infected with, a sort of consciousness virus. It promotes ’selflessnes’. Self less ness.
Where if my thoughts are genuinely on cooperating with the Whole, then I will do my utmost to value my own life and, develop to my full potential. As I increase, so does the Whole, as I am a part of that whole.
Self more ness, increases the size of the pie, where self less ness, fights over pieces.
Posted by tobeme on August 30, 2007 at 9:02 pm
Sue Ann,
Very well said. I agree the more whole we become with ourselves the more whole we become with our mates and everyone we have a relationship with. Thanks for you beautiful thoughts.
Posted by Sue Ann Edwards on August 31, 2007 at 2:43 am
I’ll share something that may rattle a few cages. (I’m good at that, a real rascal) In my marriage, monogamy doesn’t enter the picture as a condition of me Loving my husband. Monogamy is a personal choice. The minute we require someone else to make that choice, it becomes a condition of our Love, making our Love conditional.
And as for Fidelity, the goal is to remian Faithful to the I Am Pesence within us, not espcially to our ‘partner’ in the flesh.
‘Women’ don’t usually like my perspective at all. But what most ‘women’ do not know, is that it is the ‘forbidden’ placed on the fruit, that gives the fruit its allure.
Posted by tobeme on August 31, 2007 at 3:05 am
Sue Ann,
Thanks for sharing this personal side of your relationship. I understand what you are saying. We must love each other without conditions. When one of the conditions is to forbid an act of any kind then as you said, this act becomes the perverbial forbidden fruit.
What I have found in relationships such as yours monogomy becomes the way of the relationship not because it is a condition rather because it is the natural flow of the relationship.
Thanks for sharing.
Posted by R on October 17, 2007 at 11:48 am
I apparently am something different from the percentages here. I communicated for 10 1/2 months with a woman from overseas who came out to visit me. She is the most fabulous woman that I have ever known. She is singularly the most loving and devoted woman that I have ever known, and am convinced, will ever know. We hold tremendous commonality on every level. Her love is unconditional, extraordinary. But now, the problem (for us). I did not feel that spark of erotic attraction when we met. When she returned home, we resume our deeply satisfying friendship and intimacy. Today, she parted. Apparently, she has endured and suffered this past 3 1/2 months, feeling my actions spoke louder than words. I went back on the dating site. But how can I say this? I love her. I want to develop an attraction to her, but don’t know how. In the meantime, due to my unavailability, she is considering another love prospect. She has tried all that she could, offered me everything, and is now finally stepping back. I don’t know how I can pass up such a wonderful woman. I realize that I don’t have control over my feelings to large extent, but also know that I will never know a more wonderful woman. I mean this. Her heart is broken, and I am nearing the edge. 98% of everything that I want, and most women lack 98% of everything that I want. I am not trying to sound dramatic, but this is a pivotal moment in my life. I seem to find it hard to let go, hard to believe that for the lack of physical chemistry, I am losing my greatest confidant and friend. I fear one day awaking and realizing that I have lost the most ideal partner. I am just as convinced that she is made for me, as I am concerned that for lack of attraction, we cannot succeed. She is so wounded, that now she cannot even be open to exploring more. I want to have her with me, to marry her. How can you marry someone you don’t feel physically attracted to? But how can you say goodbye to someone who is your dearest friend and soul mate? When will I know my answer? When will it dawn on me what I need the most? When will the bell inside of me ring? I feel so lost without her. I love her. Please advise. Please tell me how to overcome this inertia, and either accept, or move forward with this relationship?
Posted by East Coast on May 9, 2009 at 8:59 pm
This is an interesting subject. What I am about to say is not intended to insult anyone, so please don’t take any of this personally. However, I have a question. How do you get this far involved with a person to see that they are 98% of what you want minus the physical attraction? What is really happening here?
To me, these issues are based on dependency. Personally, if I find that my atrraction with a man is mainly platonic (which I think we find out pretty early), I would not lead that person into this level of a relationship only to let them know that they are not “my type”. Come on…if people give themselves the chance to be independent and wait for what they really want, they will not be stuck in these predicaments.
This I believe to be true. You cannot create physical chemistry. It is either there or it is not. Marriages fail every day because spouses wander from relationships looking for outside excitement. It’s great to have a friend, sister, brother…but the one thing that does and always will define a male/female romantic relationship is the physical chemistry. Let’s stop being selfish and let go of our dependencies long enough to explore all the things we really want in a partner – and stop leading others on because you need a buddy and confidant.
Posted by Anonymous on October 19, 2007 at 5:51 am
I am on the opposite side of the situation in the previous post(#44). Except that we have been together for some time and I know that there was something in the beginning. I am about to give up.
The person in question doesn’t seem to be too much in to me physically. But our existence together certainly extends beyond friendship it’s just that she doesn’t feel like doing any of the intimate stuff. There is somebody else for that (with whom she doesn’t want serious relation) and I am there for the serious stuff? WTF!!! In other words it seems like she can’t find physical attraction towards me.
It gets better though, she finds me attractive/good looking and her friends find me hot too. And of course she doesn’t find me repulsive or anything negative like a big turn off…
I don’t think she really knows what she wants.
I know what I want – a relationship, not a friendship (I don’t think friendship would work in the long run the way she wants it)?
So what’s going on? Any suggestions? Help? What do I do? Can I make her feel the same way towards me, like she feels for the hot guy she feels physically attracted to. How?
Posted by tobeme on October 22, 2007 at 10:23 pm
R,
My heart goes out to you! I believe you are torn between your ego and your spirit. You know that this woman is your soul mate, in ever aspect of your being, minus the physical attraction, she is perfect for you. You do love and need her, she fulfills all of your desires, however, alas you feel no physical attraction for her and she knows it. We cannot fake physical attraction, however physical attraction can grow, it can develop. We often see others with the eyes of our ego. We often set up physical criteria that we tell ourselves that we are attracted to. Is this the case with you? Does she physically repulse you, or is she simply not fitting your mold of what you believe yourself to be attracted to. TIme to dig deep and answser yourself honestly. The second issue is even if do decide to change your filter, you have deeply hurt her and it would take much conviction on your part to help her to believe that your desire has changed.
Your end result may be that you do not and will not develop a physical desire. If this be the case, then it would be unfair to her and yourself to pursue this as a romantic, long term relationship and you will have to let go, wiser for knowing her and for going through this experience.
There is a big lesson in this relationship for you. Please stay in touch and let me know your thoughts. Peace and love.
Posted by tobeme on October 22, 2007 at 10:34 pm
Anonymous,
Tough situation. You say she has sexual desire, however not for you. She looks to you to fulfill all of her emotional and intellectual needs and someone else to fulfill her physical needs. I believe you are right, this is not the making of a long term romantic relationship. She does sound confused. She may be in a situation where she does not want to hurt you or the other person, so she is playing a mental game. By not havin a physical relationship with you, she is telling herself that she is not cheating on the other person and by not having an emotional relationship with the other person she feels she is not cheating on you. In other words, she is having all of her needs and desires fulfilled by two people and feels that she is, in her own way being true to both.
This is not fair to you and in the end will unravel the relationship that you presently have.
I never like ultimatioms, they don’t usually work. Communication is key, she must clearly understand how you feel and you must make a decision, if this behaviour continues, you must be willing to walk away from this relationship. In a way, you are being used and you are allowing this to happen.
I believe you are caught in the chase and she knows it. Time to become aloof towards her, time to walk away and wait for her to react. Worse case scenario, she won’t react and she will exit you life. If this happens then you are better for it. Best case, she will realize what she has in you and become very attracted to you. Give up the chase, move into attraction mode. See the post I wrote today 10/21.
Believe in yourself, be true to yourself, live for you, not for her.
Peace and love! Let me know what happens.
Posted by Isabelle on December 11, 2007 at 10:39 am
Is it possible that physical attraction can be inhibited by fear? I am with a man who says he finds me attractive from across the room but when I get in close, he loses it. He can be attracted to me at night and then once he gets in bed, gone…and then the next morning when i am dressed, etc…it is back. He is attracted to my body, not my face. We both want this to work…because according to him “we are a perfect couple”…but we are at a loss for how to interpret this…. I suggest it is based on fear…since he has experienced much loss (from death to divorce) related to intimate relationships…any thoughts?
Posted by tobeme on December 12, 2007 at 3:47 am
Isabelle,
I have been thinking about your situation all day today. I believe that you assessment is accurate. Finding you attractive from a far and losing that attractivness when he is within your personal space is most likely based on his fear of loss, that root fear of loss has created a fear of becoming intimate with someone, in this case you.
I would like to know, besides a lack of physical attractivness when you are intimatly close, do you share intimacy in other ways? I am not talking about sex. I am asking, do you feel that you and him are intimate in other aspects of your relationship. My inital thought is that if he does have a fear of loss, that he would lack the ability to be intimate in other ways as well.
What about your relationship makes him say that you are the “perfect couple”, please be specific?
You say that he is attractted to your body and not your face, I have to believe again that this is a fear of intimacy with a root fear of loss. The face, especially the eyes are the most intimate part of a person.
I look forward to seeing your answers to the questions I have posed and an opportunity to continue this conversation.
Posted by Anonymous on December 30, 2007 at 9:06 pm
I couldn’t help but share my experience here (with Isabelle)
I used to think we were a “perfect couple”(read post 45). We found (and still do) each other exceptionally cute, have the same interests, think so alike that it’s freaky sometimes… and find each other attractive (at least I do alot, she at least half as much). The connection goes way beyond comprehension. Yet hugging, sleeping together and some times kisses is all that happens (in the intimate department, at least with me). There is apparently somebody else for the other stuff (as I mentioned before). She doesn’t want to loose me is what she claims, and she would be lost without me… (I am starting to question the sincerity of these words). I can keep on going with details (probably pointless). The conclusion that I have reached is that this is not perfect at all. It would have been perfect if she was really into the other stuff with me as well. Keeping in mind that both of us think that having some fun on the side is acceptable(by me as well, knowing that it’s not a replacement).
She gets jealous if she knows I am with another girl that likes me… WTF!
Now what are the implications of that? Guess what? I can’t have bloody good time with her (as I would in normal situation). So most of the times she gets annoyed or depressed or turned off that I didn’t act like I used to or I am too uptight or whatever… And what the hell do you expect? Me overflowing of joy that she is banging some other guy and wants everything from our relation but the intimate parts… And the end result is she being even less attracted to me…
Another thing I know is that if we have to reverse the table I will always find something in her to hold on as I really, really love her. I am not sure I would even be able to have some on-side fun knowing it’s going to hurt her or even make her question herself/make her insecure.
The fact that she goes with it regardless, makes me think that perhaps the only true feeling she has for me is “being too attached”. Even though she still at times says she loves me.
I feel anger, disappointment, happiness(that she is having fun), discouragement, sense of loss, hope, and the feeling that I am wasting my time with her.
I have come to think that there are only the following options:
1) tell her never to contact me and exit her life forever, which will be exceptionally difficult (perhaps impossible for me I don’t know) this way I will hopefully forget all the bad associated with it. I am almost 100% sure she wouldn’t try to contact me if I tell her not to. Which I find strange as I would her if I really care. Does she not?
2) Keep on going with the same situation and have sub-optimal fun together when I am with her and the bad thoughts of what’s missing hit me and etc… Pretend things are like I want them to be and as she does want them to be (for the moment at least). We both know that this will have to either evolve into what I would call (ideal) or we would end up slowly distancing from each other. She is telling me not to push it for “ideal” as that takes me away from the goal, but also tells me that she doesn’t know if her deep physical attraction for me would ever reappear.
I know that option 2) is very painful as I was doing that for some time. I can’t handle it anymore and I think I should try 1) but I don’t want to hurt her feelings at the same time I hope that she will miss me and realize what she missed and etc…
Once again I am completely lost and need some help. Any thoughts? Any suggestions?
BTW you mentioned “attraction mode”, anything more particular you can suggest? I really don’t want to walk away but I see no other option…
Posted by Anonymous on December 30, 2007 at 9:08 pm
Sorry for the long post but I am really ready to pull stars off the sky for this to end well…
Posted by tobeme on December 31, 2007 at 9:19 pm
Anonymous,
Let me start by explaining what I mean by “attraction mode”. Simply stated, often times we are in a chase mode, chasing after the person, which in many ways becomes unattractive. To be in attraction mode, means to stop the chase, understand what we truly desire and they attract that desire to us.
Yours is a complicated relationshisp. I believe your key lies in knowing what you truly want, not from her, however what you want in a relationship. Remove her for the equation while you consider this and determine what you want. If you could have the ideal realationship, what would that look like? Write it down. Send it to me and let’s talk it through. I think this is the first step, before you make any concrete decisons on options one and two.
No apoligizes needed about the long comment. The more you communicate the easier this process is.
Posted by Zi on January 15, 2008 at 5:56 am
I always thought that i am pretty for him, until someday he said he found me not the one he want. lol
Now , i dont even have confident . Probably, I need to change….
Great post…
Posted by tobeme on January 16, 2008 at 12:27 am
Zi,
Base your confidence on your self and not on what he said or did.
Thanks for stopping by. You are always welcome here.
Posted by Anonymous on February 6, 2008 at 4:52 am
Tobeme,
First off I am guessing by “send it to me” means post it here? right? Sorry, I am really not too sure…
With regards to what I truly want:
I don’t want it to look like a cliche but I am sure I don’t want things that are too different from what everyone wants. But here it goes…
First off I want a very strong friendship where we share a lot in common. I certainly don’t want that feeling to wear off. An adaptive and exceptionally open-minded relation-ship. Same intellectual maturity where conflicts and problems are not approached conventionally… Somebody with whom you can do anything and enjoy it and yet realistically know that no matter how far apart you are and what you do you are still together… (I will skip smart and beautiful… everyone wants that type of person on the other end, even if not for a relationship). A person that loves you and makes you feel home not only in the fun moments but also in the worst time of your life… I can go on but I am sure that I wouldn’t be able to give you anything too different from what everyone wants(I am basing my assumption on what I’ve heard other people want).
In terms of how I see my relationship, I want adventure, traveling sophistication, active life style, exploration, learning different new things, sharing moments with somebody special…
I really thought about this but all that comes to mind is pretty much what most people want…
Posted by mitch972 on March 6, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I’m a bit behind from when you wrote this… but…
very well said..and well written.
Posted by I Date White » 40/40/20 Formula on March 6, 2008 at 12:11 pm
[...] to her, I will lose interest quickly. I’m willing to accept physical changes because of age and health. But I won’t accept it because of laziness. Too often she’s attractive when you [...]
Posted by tobeme on March 6, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Mitch,
Thank-you for stopping by and thank-you for your thought.
Posted by john doe on March 10, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Good read
i think being with someone who you have fun with, and connect with emotionally is much more important than someone you find physically attracitive…i mean looks go away when your older, and in a couple years your partner might not even find you attractive or you might not find them attractive, and then thats the end of a relationship thats primarily built on physical attraction.
Posted by tobeme on March 11, 2008 at 12:19 am
John,
You make an excellent point. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
Posted by Illusionary Fate on April 3, 2008 at 8:34 am
I have a question somewhat related to R and Anonymous. I have known a man for three years and we have a very strong emotional, spiritual and communicative “friendship”. We were instantly attracted to one another when we met, but because of failed marriages, have both been very afraid of experiencing that loss and pain again, and so did not persue a dating relationship. We have kept in touch on and off over the three years and are now both in relationships with other people, that we both confess, are not fulfilling in the emotional and spiritual sense. Yet they are not bad relationships. They are okay. On two instances over the past few years we tried to date. Once we made that decision however, it seemed that we both panicked, and ran scared back to our own corners. Yet we can’t seem to forget about each other. The last time, I left an unsatisfying relationship because I wanted to be with him. We had even talked of marriage and a child. Then he told me it wouldn’t work between us for reasons such as distance (we live 1.5 hrs apart). I was devastated. He contacted me again a little while later, and even though I still cared for him a great deal, I was in a new relationship and felt he would do the same thing all over again and so kept turning him down. He was persistent, we started communicating regularly and though I am still in the relationship with the other man, consented to see him. Although I should have anticipated it, I let him into my heart again, and the same thing is happening as before. He has been dating the same woman on and off for three years. I want to tell him to let me go, but at the same time I don’t want him too. Is it possible to convince yourself that something exists that isn’t reality? Why can’t we forget about each other? Why does he keep pursuing me only to leave me? I am so confused.
Posted by tobeme on April 3, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Illusinary Faith,
It sounds as though you both have setteled, that is you are both in relationships, however these relationships are not all that special, they fill some needs on a surface level, however on a deeper level you know that you are not with a person whom you truly want to have a life long relationship with. Because of this, you find yourself looking outside your current relationships for satisfaction and right now you find that possibility of a deeper, more satisfying relationship with each other, despite the fact that you are both in relationships.
You can’t seem to forget each other simply because there is an attraction and a past and that attraction appears to be better than the relationships that you are both in.
I believe he keeps pursuing you because he is attracted to you and believes that a relationship with you is what he wants, however as you stated in the early part of your comment, you both fear a committed relationship because of what you have experienced in the past. This is interesting since you both seem to be in some what committed relationships. I say some what committed because I don’t believe either of you have made a committment and that is why you continue to dream about the possibility of a long term relationship with each other.
I think before you turn your world upside down again for him, that both of you would need to end your current relationships, which to me seem at best like a comfortable fall back relationship. I think both of you fear losing the comfort of the relationships that you are in. To move forward, you both would have to first give up these comfort relationships and be on your own. Once that happens, then and only then would you both be in positon to explore a relationship with each other. The key thing that you both must do to even explore a long term relationship with each other is to be able to let go of the fear that both of you seem to harbor about getting hurt in a relationship.
Hope this helps. Let me know what you think of my thoughts and what your next steps will be.
Your confusion will go away when you let go of your fears, step out of your comfort zone and be bruttaly honest with your self.
Posted by Me on July 8, 2008 at 4:55 am
Me
My story is long… I was married for a very long time and recently got divorced. I have loved my ex very much and got divorced because of infidelity.. that is what I think. During the time of him being unfaitfull – I myself had an affair with a person that I got very attracted to at the first time. We met couple times and only been intimate once… I thought I will be able to forgive my ex. and we can be happy again… but I could not tell him and what was worse… I was thinking about the person all the time.. I tried contacting person again and we met once again… and he left again. He did not need a relationship… I tried hard to get back with my ex… but it seemed impossible because I could not make myself to believe that it will never happen again(meaning he will never have an affair again- this was his second one)…. I filed for divorce…..and during that time I met the person once again…. My ex was dating someone else at that time… After filing for divorce I really missed my ex. and wanted to change things very badly but he did not want at that point. We argued a lot during the six months period and it seemed like we grew apart… more and more. I did not expect but after divorce was finalized he got very emotionally upset and… I did too…. Well months later he met someone else now and will be married soon…. I am still hurt and still afraid that I won’t be able to handle the fact that he actually will be married….Me myself
I am dating a person for few months now… I know this person for almost 10months and …. I enjoy talking to a person.. we have same view on certain things… like same things… When I met him first time I was not physically atracted to him and I did not want to continue on anything…but at the same time I do not know why I made an effort and contacted him after a month. I really cannot understand what is missing with him??? I have a great time with him. He is very passionate and a great lover.. I love his hugs.. I love spending time with him.. watching movie or talking ….but I freak out when we in public… I feel that sometimes I think about him when I am alone but again when we meet in public I am afraid that I will freak out. At the time I see him in public that is when I feel that but after that is gone?? Can you please help me to find out what is going on with me??
At the same time I tried contacting the other person and still talk to my ex…. but I really enjoy my friend… I am emotionally drained now. I cannot figure this out on my own.
Posted by Me on July 8, 2008 at 5:11 am
me
Posted by Me ,Myself, I. on July 23, 2008 at 11:38 am
I got to know someone on the internet ,a similar situation from the last post.The problem I had was that we connected on all levels except the Physical.I did not find the person attractive at all,and despite having several opportunities , I couldn’t bring myself to have any kind of sexual relationship with her , even though I wanted to.There was no sexual attraction for me at all. So can anyone honestly say that physical attraction has no part in a relationship?
Posted by tobeme on July 23, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Me, Myself, I,
Thanks for sharing your experience. I do believe that there must be physical attraction at some point, however, I know that the physical attraction does not have to be there initially, that sometimes we grow into physical attraction because of all the other attractions. Sounds like in this case you made a friend and not a lover. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by its so hard on July 28, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Physical attraction is very important. My girlfriend and I are having trouble because there is no much physical interaction between us. She craves her every moment to be intimate with me. I love her mind and heart but the psychological passion to have her when I look at her don’t triggers. I wish we can forever be together and just make love with our souls, but I know that it is not going to work: we live in a physical world in which the flesh asks me for attraction, but the attraction for her just isn’t there.
Posted by tobeme on July 28, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Interesting. Missing the chemistry is what this sounds like. It’s interesting that you say she is your girlfriend, yet there is no physical attraction on your part. Was there ever a physical attraction? What brought you together?
Posted by Pastor Godwin on August 25, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Hi everyone,
Interesting, It is my understand that soul is what most important, because soul is what eternal. The most important is soul beauty. This Sunday my message topic was “SOUL’ – The Bible says, the soul that sin will die. We need have right understanding on soul. I thank you for your eye opening truth.
God Bless
godwinrobert@yahoo.com
http://www.elfci.org
Posted by tobeme on August 25, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Pastor Godwin,
Glad you enjoyed this writing. Once we truly understand soul/energy than we truly begin to live this part of our journey. Thanks for stopping in! Live in light, live in love.
Posted by let it be on September 9, 2008 at 6:39 am
Dear Anonymous-
I could very well be the girl you are speaking of because I am going through that very situation right now–that dreaded attraction factor. I met someone through internet dating a while back and after our first date told him that I did not feel we were compatible. We talked for hours and I opened up to him about my life like no other. He was easy to do that with, and he listened, and shared his own life’s experiences. Of course we made a connection on some level, but I did not feel attracted to him at all. He said he wanted to remain friends and I was okay with that, and so we did. We each dated another and then I went through a difficult time and he remained there for me. We each left the person we were dating, and we had built a friendship over 5 months time. Over that time span, I had grown to know a very wonderful, giving, loving, caring person, whom I was grateful to have in my life. I tossed my attraction factor aside and we moved on to an intimate boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We never had an argument over the two years that we were together (just under a year and a half as boyfriend/girlfriend). There was nothing he would not do for me, and his actions showed this with each passing day. You may think that I would be the one to benefit the most because of his loving, giving nature. But I wanted to feel that too, and could not. I wanted to be so head-over-heels, that I’d stop the world. I wanted to be with someone whom my heart beat like the pouring rain when he crossed my mind. Someone whom when we were apart, I would miss deeply. Someone I longed to be with when we were apart, and felt excited to be with intimately. Though I had brought up early on in our relationship that I did not feel those sparks, I didn’t make issue of it throughout the time we were together, as I had hoped that what I wanted to feel would come in time. How long does one wait? I waited a year and a half before I realized that as much as he gave, I still felt an emptiness that resided within me. He was devastated when I expressed to him how I felt, and could not–still does not understand fully, but has conjured up his own psychological reasonings. I told him I did not think it was a good idea to keep in touch, as I wanted so much for him to move on. But he said that would only hurt him more, and asked to remain friends. It has been a couple of months, and we still see one another once in a while, and talk often– we both are dating others. Still he is there for me, and says he always will be. I do not mislead him, and I feel that he is an adult (42 yrs old), and can make that decision on his own. He says that our relationship has taught him more than any other in his life. Of course I do not want to lose the best friend I ever had, but if he ever expressed to me that it was not possible to be friends and move on at the same time, I would respect that choice, and not contact him. Anonymous, only you can decide whether remaining friends with your ex is incompatible with moving on with another relationship that will be fulfilling to you in every aspect you desire. You sound like you have so much to offer another–don’t cheat yourself out of having someone feel that everything for you, as you feel for them. Sometimes we just need to create an open space to receive all that is good, and all we desire. It is all there for us, but we need to let peace in before we can see that it was right there all along within us, surrounding us, and waiting for us to open up our arms to receive it. I wish you all the best.
Posted by cordieb on February 4, 2009 at 4:30 am
Wow there are lot of comments on this one. I’ll have to come back to read over some of the comments. . . I’m sure they are quite interesting adiverse. I often wonder why humans were not simply made to all look exactly alike. . . or at least very, very similar. That would avoid so many of the problems we have today. But alas, we are not the same and we have our preferences as far as what we consider attractive. . . and attraction is needed to spark the first interest I suppose. . . . I’ll have to ponder this one a bit further. Great article! Thanks for provoking such a mind stirring topic!
blessings!
Posted by therapydoc on July 3, 2009 at 1:15 am
So glad I stopped by to read this. Just brilliant, thanks for putting it out there.