There is a commercial on television which has a disturbing testimonial within it. The commercial is advertising some sort of weight loss drug.During the commercial a series of men give a short testimonial about how this product has impacted their life, one man dressed in a football jersey happily exclaims, “My wife says I am not as disgusting as I used to be”. I cringe when I hear this statement. I cringe because I believe that this illustrates a problem which occurs in many relationships and that problem is that many people do not speak to or speak well of the people they are supposed to be the closest to, the people whom proclaim to love deeply.
Why would anyone ever tell their partner in life that they are disgusting? What brings a person to say this about the person whom they love and have committed to live their life with. What compels a person to complain to other people about their husband/wife, significant other?
As I over hear conversations at work, I very often hear people who speak ill of their husbands, wifes or significant others. They complain about everything under the sun about these people who they share their life with. I very rarely hear people say how wonderful the love of their relationship is, or talk about how great they get along, or say how much these people mean to them. Why? Why do people complain and talk badly about the one person who should be the closest, most important person to them.
One reason is that saying good things about your significant other isn’t very fun conversation, however I think the bigger reason is that people in long term relationships get into a habit of focusing on the negative qualities of each other and they also lose the habit of speaking in the language of love.
What is the language of love? Surely you remember back to when you were first getting to know each other, first falling in love. Remember how you spoke to each other, remember the softness of the language that you used. Remember how you said “I love you” at the end of each phone conversation, or as you left the house in the morning? Remember how you actually looked in each other eyes as you had a conversation? Remember how you casually touched each other as you walked past each other? Remember how you cuddled up on the couch or even if you were stretched out and sitting apart, how you always managed to connect with each other in some way, maybe it was just your foot resting against their knee, remember? Remember how excited you were to talk about them to other people and how you would have never thought to say a negative thing about them? This is the language of love!
When you are speaking the language of love, you are focusing on all of the good things, you are filled with gratitude and your language projects your gratitude and love for the other person. When you are filled with gratitude and admiration for the other person, it is very hard to find fault and guess what, the other person in your life responds in a positive way to what you are expressing! They begin to once again live up to being the person who you perceive them to be!
If you are in a long term relationship where the language of love has not been used for a long time, I suggest that you become aware of how you speak to each other, once you become aware, then stop and begin using the language of love. Note, the change may not be immediate, it make some time, however I assure you that you can revive the language of love in your relationship and you will be amazed at how it will enhance your relationship!
Remember what we focus on expands! Focus on what you want your relationship to be!
Posted by Alexys Fairfiled on May 30, 2007 at 11:45 pm
Mark,
Just being tender even in the moments that are difficult is what I focus on. TLC goes through the Soul. Lovely post.
Posted by Alexys Fairfiled on May 30, 2007 at 11:57 pm
Hi Mark,
Just giving you extra love today for being such a good teacher.
Posted by tobeme on May 31, 2007 at 12:13 am
Alexys,
So true, TLC goes a long way, we need to take the time to be tender, to love from our soul!
Thanks for the extra love! You are very loved as well!
I so appreciate you thoughts!
Posted by Grace on May 31, 2007 at 2:04 am
~~~ waves ~~~
I remember telling my ex once, “you treat strangers with more respect and kindness than you do me.”
This is a wonderful reminder that no matter how long a couple has been together, it’s still the big “little” things that count the most.
It’s the things that I most value in relationship….and actually works wonders in all sorts of relationships – not just the romantic ones.
THANK YOU
Posted by Loving Annie on May 31, 2007 at 2:56 am
Good Wednesday afternoon, Mark ! How are you doing today ?
The language of love is such a very precious thing… Being talked to with respect and admiration, being really truly looked at with tenderness and interest, communicated to with security and sweetness… Our mouths and hearts are connected to our souls that way. It is very important indeed, how we speak, and how we are spoken to –
Posted by Brian on May 31, 2007 at 8:41 am
Hey Mark,
I just have a question. Do you think that the feeling we get at the beginning of a relationship is something we can maintain in the long-term? I am on a quest to understand love and heal my distorted perception of it. I tend to have the impression that the feelings we get at first are something that wear off and then reality sets in. Do you think this is just cynicism?
Thank you, I always value your input.
Posted by raffi5000 on May 31, 2007 at 9:28 am
what comes to mind when i think of the language of love is when i was 16, would be on the phone with my girlfriend for 4 hours with non-stop conversation, and then if asked “what did you talk about on the phone for all that time?” i would say, “NOTHING”. the point being, i gave every iota of my being to that person without any hesitation, reservation, or interference. consider yourself blessed if that is how your relationship today is.
Posted by Ask Lucid on May 31, 2007 at 4:29 pm
OMG I hate that commercial you spoke of. I saw it a few weeks ago while watching TV with my own husband. I was so appalled!!! I looked at him and said, “If you ever digsut me, it’s all over.” I smiled at him and then we hugged.
I was glad we could make light of it, but I am sure many people are offended by this public message. It supports speaking negatively of others! Why would they do that!!!!???? Certainly not to encourage!
Thanks Mark for reminding us once again to mind each other and respect!!
Be Well! – Lucid-
Posted by tobeme on May 31, 2007 at 8:07 pm
Grace,
Isn’t it interesting how some people treat strangers better then they do the people who are closest to them. I am always amazed by that.
Thanks for you thoughts!
Express your love today!
Posted by tobeme on May 31, 2007 at 8:10 pm
Loving Annine,
I am doing great! Thanks for asking. I hope that this Thursday is a day of filled with love for you.
Yes, it is amazing how big a differnce what and how we say things can affect our relationships.
Thanks for your thoughts!
Posted by tobeme on May 31, 2007 at 8:22 pm
Brian,
Interesting question. The answer probably deserves a post in itself. The short answer is that for most people the inital passion of a new relationship is going to change as the relationship matures. Does it have to become less that what it is, no. What both people must acknowledge is that things will change as each person grows and changes. A relationship is never static, it is always evolving!
I will most likley do a post in the near future to talk this out in more detail.
Great question, thanks for adding so much value to this conversation.
Posted by tobeme on May 31, 2007 at 8:28 pm
Raffi5000,
Thanks for providing a great example. It is true, when you are truly speaking the language of love, it is like breathing, you don’t even think about it. Thank-you so much!
Posted by tobeme on May 31, 2007 at 8:30 pm
Lucid,
To me this commercial affirms that it is okay to say this kind of thing to your spouse and it’s not! That commercial disgusts me, ha. Thanks for your thoughts.
Posted by Pamm on June 1, 2007 at 6:13 am
Hey, Mark..really love this post. I always say that the way to keep a relationship alive is to keep appreciating each other and find ways to keep the relationship so it doesn’t become “common.”
I’ve tagged this in the high Vibe it meme. If you want to play, the you can find out about it on my blog.
Hugs your way and thanks for being your wonderful you.
Posted by tobeme on June 1, 2007 at 11:37 pm
Pamm,
Grattitude and appreciation does wonders in everything, especially relationships!
Thanks for tagging this in the high Vibe it meme. I am honored.
Hugs and love to you! Thank-you so much for your thoughts.
Posted by jackalope on June 3, 2007 at 4:19 am
My hubby and I have practiced this from Day 1. After a social event that may include one spouse complaining about another, we just shake our heads sadly. Words have a lot of power, when you hear yourself saying them, the words you speak become more real and the concepts they represent are more concrete and likely to manifest more misunderstanding, more annoyance, more dislike.
I am not talking about censoring your every thought; we need to realize what bothers us so we can choose what we really want to have and accomplish in life and relationships. But before we speak, we should have what we really want in mind and use words that will accomplish these goals. If you want your relationship with your spouse to improve, think good thoughts, speak well of them, and watch them appreciate you rather than build resentment toward you. You can’t change anybody but yourself, but the words you choose make a difference in how someone acts toward you and how a relationship unfolds.
Posted by tobeme on June 4, 2007 at 8:18 pm
Jackalope,
Yes it is very true, that what we think about expands, therefore if you focus on the good of your mate, then the good will expand.
Words and thoughts are very powerful, more powerful then most of us know. If we did understand the power, we would not allow ourselves to focus on the negative for very long.
Great thoughts, thanks for sharing so much.
Posted by highvibeit.com on June 5, 2007 at 12:50 am
Are You Using the Language of Love? « The Naked Soul
This post is a good reminder about being aware of how we speak to those whom we love.
Posted by Chris on June 5, 2007 at 1:18 am
Hi Mark. I just noticed that you’ve already been tagged for the High Vibe it game! And this was after I went and tagged you. Well, this post deserved it.
Posted by greenwoman2007 on June 7, 2007 at 8:56 pm
Terrific post Mark…I loved it. Nothing irks me more than to listen to people running their spouse down.
Posted by tobeme on June 8, 2007 at 1:43 am
Chris,
Thank-you so much for the tag on High Vibe It! I am honored that you found so much value in my writing!
Posted by tobeme on June 8, 2007 at 1:48 am
Greenwoman,
I agree, I hate it when people talk poorly of their spouse! UGH!
Glad you enjoyed this writing. Thank-you!