Feeling Unworthy …
I was recently asked, “Does feeling unworthy attract the wrong type of relationships?”
Let’s think about this, if you are thinking that you are unworthy and you feel for some reason that you are unworthy of love, happiness, respect, then it is very likely that you will attract people into your life who will not unconditionally love you, respect you or treat you the way you would want to be treated. These feelings of unworthiness will cause vibrations of unworthiness to emanate from your being and you will attract more unworthiness into your life and this includes the people which you attract into your life. So, yes, feeling unworthy can attract the wrong relationships.
One of the keys to attracting the right kind of relationships into our life, is to first be able to love yourself unconditionaly, respect yourself and know that you deserve to be loved and respected for who you are.
Most feelings of unworthiness stem from our past. We typically feel unworthy because of who we have been, not because of who we are at the present moment. This may be difficult to emotionally and mentally separate, for we feel unworthy at the moment. It is important to be able to step outside of yourself and be able to determine why you feel unworthy. Most of the time you will find that you are basing your feeling of unworthiness on something that happened in your past, it may be something that you did that you feel guilty for or it could be because some controlling person in your life said and did things that made you feel unworthy. You may discover that there is someone in your life now that is telling you that you are unworthy in one way or another. There are controlling personalities out there who will purposely make another person feel unworthy in order to control them. This devisive behavior happens in many relationships.
If you discover that your feelings of unworthiness stem from your past then the next step is to forgive yourself, release the guilt and let go of your past. Decide to live in the present and decide to love yourself for who you are. See yourself as the person you want to be. This change in thought and feeling patterns will change what and who you attract into your life.
If you discover that your feelings of unworthiness are because you are in a current relationship with a controlling person who says and does things to make you feel unworthy, then you have some very big and often difficult decisions to make about your future in this relationship. Often to stay in this type of relationship is to perpetuate your current feelings of unworthiness. To stay in a controlling relationship and change your feelings of unworthiness is going to take much strength from you and will require that the other person is willing to make changes as well. To make the changes in this situation often takes the help of a third party such as a therapist.
It is critical to our well being to understand how wonderful and deserving each of us are! We must learn to forgive ourselves and love ourselves unconditionally. Then and only then can we reasonably expect to attract the person of our dreams into our life!
Mark,
I think people carry so much baggage that they inevitably attract people who mirror how they feel inside. Once they realize it, they can manifest the type of people they want to attract, but everything must begin with love and surrender.
BTW, I love the choice of photograph. Evocative.
Alexys,
I agree, with love and surrender, then we can manifest who we desire to be in our life.
Glad you enjoyed the photo, I felt is spoke to the article.
Thanks for your thoughts!
The big danger to those who feel unworthy is that abusers seek out just that sort of person, because they’re the ones that will accept being abused. It can sometimes be hard to pinpoint when a person’s behavior crosses the line into abuse, so if you maybe don’t truly feel you deserve the best, picture someone treating your sister or friend the way you’re being treated, and see if it seems ok or if you become upset.
Mark, you are so right about the feeling of unworthiness (or any other negative feelings towards the self) stemming from how we see our past selves.
Being at peace with who we were brings peace to who we are, it seems to me. I am reading a book by Deepak Chopra called “The Book of Secrets” and he talks about this very thing. How perspective can change everything. And our feelings of attachment to who we are is based on our POV, not some black/white reality. Every moment our old self dies, and our new self emerges. It’s by holding on to our past that we bring our past pain into the present, where it only has meaning because we give it meaning.
And then there’s Dr. Phil who says that the best way to predict future behavior is to look at past behavior. Are we, as humans, so predictable?
It takes our minds a long time to let go of habit. And if something happened to us in the past that made us unworthy, it takes a lot of practice at being ‘worthy’ to get out of the habit as seeing ourselves as that way. It’s like how, after losing a lot of weight, people still see themselves as ‘that fat person’, even though the actual weight is gone. It takes a lot of practice at living the life at a healthy weight before getting out of the habits of thought and actions that go with seeing oneself as ‘that fat person.’ I think this is true of many things, both positive and negative self-talk. It’s more about how powerful the messages to ourselves were as to how long it takes to lose hold.
And, what’s also true, is that *other* people who know us, also take a while to change gears in how they think about us and treat us. People who just meet us, assume we’ve always been the way we are today. And people who have known us a long time, know what we used to be like. Sometimes, in order to break ourselves out of our habits of who we used to be, it’s time to make new friends that didn’t know us before and can help us move on into who we want to be. Sometimes it means being with people who knew us and yet, still treat us as new people everyday.
So, to break out of unworthy patterns, we have to act worthy, and actively bring people into our lives that will reinforce the feeling of worthiness, and push people away who do the opposite. People, and things too. Like jobs or where we live, or what hobbies we pursue. Perhaps it can happen without an active decision, but I don’t know…I think without an active decision to change our environment and our practice, we pretty much stay where we’re at, cuz it’s the easiest and most familiar.
And, in my experience, it’s only after some time of breaking away from that person we used to be that we’re afraid to confront, that we can look back and truly say, “well, that’s who I was, and really it was just fine, and I’m OK with all that has happened to me or because of me. It’s not all good, but it’s not all bad either. It was me, but it’s not me now. But it brought me to where I am today, and for that, I can appreciate it all, even the stuff that brought me suffering.”
And there you go, a comment that’s longer than your post.
i think that there are people, such as myself, who were just born unworthy of love. for example, there are people who i will not love. because of traits, they’re ugly as sin, or because in my opinion, they are just lame. i think love needs to be earned. you have to offer something worth loving.
forget about relationships..if you are feeling unworthy, you should be thinking about healing THAT feeling…
I think sometimes we tend to blame things on the other person, when in actuality, it is our own feelings that need adjusting. Of course, sometimes is is the other person, but we need to look closely at that to make sure…it is very easy to blame someone else for feeling unworthy, or whatever else ails you, when in actuality, those feelings are coming from within.
enjoy your weekend, mark.
Oh my! I could write the book on this subject or at least be the star character! Great post! I’m glad you chose to write about this topic. I would like to add here something that I think is very important. I used to read over and over again about loving yourself. This never made sense to me because I knew that I loved myself. I didn’t understand that love doesn’t just mean the emotion love is in fact an action word and loving yourself means to actively love yourself by treating yourself nicely and making good decisions for yourself. The first step to feeling worthy is to begin to actively love oneself. It took me many years to really understand that!
Mark,
That’s one reason why there are so many women that marry abusers. They don’t feel worthy, they have low self-esteem and think they don’t deserve better.
Very nice post! I often think those who feel unworthy must find a comfort in it. Among other things, it gives them an excuse to hide from life.
Malcolm
Malcom,
True, many people do find comfort in their own misery, however these same people yearn for a better life experience. Sometimes it may be an excuse to hide from day to day life, however often I believe people who feel unworthy, deep down hate this feeling, know that they could feel better about themselves, however don’t know where or how to start.
Matty,
You are so right. Feeling unworthy is a vicious cycle of negative emotions.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Omni,
Excellent point, abusers do seek out those who have low self esteem, those who feel unworthy. People who feel unworthy also attract these type of people into their life. Of course deep down, the abusers, the controllers usually have very low self value.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Tammy,
You have given a lot of your thoughts. All appreciated!
Deepak is very correct in what he teaches. Holding on to our past is truly what can bring pain into our present.
For most people Dr. Phil is correct, we are very perdictable, however to say this as a global statment is incorrect. People do change, do re-invent themselves and do turn their behaviors around. We see this all of the time.
You are correct in saying that sometimes to make the changes that we need to make, we must change our enviroment. Often times the enviroment and the people who are in our current enviroment will reenforce are feelings of unworthiness and pull us down as we attempt to change.
The cool thing is, that as we change we often will attract supportive people into our life, attract a new enviroment.
Yes, it is important to be able to look back after we make a change to appreciate all that went before was a lesson to bring us to the present.
Thanks for all of your great thoughts! You add much value to this conversation.
Meredith,
I agree that all of our feelings come from within and that we have the ability to choose how we feel. Many people do not understand this and do rely heavily on external people things to dictate how they feel about themselves. It is important that if someone is in a relationship with a person who exasperates their feeling of unworthiness, that they understand the impact of the other person in the relationship.
I agree it is too easy to blame our ills on external reasons. In the end, we must take responsbility for how we feel and who we are.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Desiree,
I believe quite a few people have the same trouble you had with the concept of loving yourself. Many people see love as a thought, an emotion. They don’t recognize it as a verb. Something which requires action.
I see that you decided to expand on this idea on your blog today. Thanks for the link!
Have a great day and thank-you for your thoughts. You gave us all something to think about.
Those who have been abused also have a strange comfort in that–it’s familiar, they know the role that they will play already–that’s why so often they follow the same pattern and marry an abuser after being a child of an abuser.
Rjlight,
It is true, some people do fall into patterns which they are comfortable with even when that pattern is distructive in nature. Thanks for your thougths.
when i feel very low and dejected from life, i discontinue living in present. my daily routine gets distracted. the negativity becomes so high and it covers my mood totally. feeling out of this world. when it comes to relationship, you tend to get attracted to people who show little bit of care of concern or who is like you
Nidhi,
Yes, it easy to not live in the present when you are feeling low and dejected. The best way to get out of that mode is to live in the now. True, we attract how we are, which in down times is just the oppositie of who we need to attract.
Thanks for your thoughts!
We often get what we vibrate or say feel.
So if u feel unworthy definitely u goin to atrract the like kind of vibratons.
So even if u live in the present but with the negative vibration or feeling definetly u are much likely to attract the same.
So be in the present & feel what u expect to feel .
ADITYA
So then, all you smart ones who clearly feel worthy, can you give some practical, step by step ways for those who feel unworthy, regardless of whether those feelings were germinated due to other people’s influence that we unworthy ones should have been smart enough not be influenced by or some inherently flawed and genuinely defective pathetic and not nearly as good as you thing we may have within ourselves, to change?
I have read that what you dislike most about your spouse is often a very big part of who you are. I am with a man who brags constantly about how great he is or how much money he has and subtly, yet daily, undermines me. I have honestly looked at myself and what irritates me about him is what is so opposite to myself.
Supposedly we are with people for a reason – to teach us something about ourselves. I definitely know what I do not want now, but it is still puzzling – is it true that what you find most irritating about somebody is a trait of yours?
Thanks for your comments.
G Lake,
This is a great question. I have struggled with this common thought as well. Are the things that irritate us about another person a reflection of who we are? I too have been in a similar type of relationship in my past and don’t believe that this old thought is always true.
In your situation your spouses traits have become toxic to the point where you may anticipate the negative feeling before it even happens. The real question to determine if that is a reflection of your true self would be to understand what you would be like without him in your life. Would you still find something to complain about, no matter who you were with? Is there something in your behaviour or expectations which could possibly be driving parts of his behavior. Maybe, maybe not. These are the real questions we must ask ourselves. It is important to know from where the toxicity stems. In the end, one must resolve the toxicity of relationship, leave the relationship or choose to die a slow posion death of your spirit.
What a load of cliches *yawn*
some people arent’ actually worthy. a lack of love in my life has taught me that its possible that i may not be woth love. i DO however deserve, and demand respect. i do not put myself in situations where i am treated poorly. and even though i will not be loved, i can still care. but i never fool myself anymore.
Is it possible to feel worth of unconditional love and acceptance when you feel guilty and regret past choices? Can you be the person you want to be with these feelings in your soul? Or do they undermine your conscious desires?
Exception,
You ask a very good question. To feel worthy of unconditional love we must unconditionaly love ourselves. The past is not now, it only affects now if you allow it to. Picture a boat traveling across the water, note the wake that the boat leaves behind it. Now, as you stand on the back of the boat looking at the wake, ask yourself, does the wake in any affect where the boat is going or what it is now doing? The only answer you can come to is that the wake is behind the boat and cannot in any way affect the boat as it travels forward. Our past is like the of the boats wake, it has no bearing on the now. The only power the past has is the power that we give it. Guilt and regret are feelings that are produced by the ego. Let go of your guilt and your regrets, they do not serve you, they only hold you down. Live from your soul which is pure love and you will forgive yourself and be thankful for all that has gone before because that which has happened in the past all happened for a reason and has brought you to this perfect moment which is now. Be blissful, know that you are loved and that you are LOVE.