Relationship Games – Past Relationships
One of the games that people in a romantic relationship sometimes play is the “past relationship game”. When you are newly in a relationship it is common to sometimes talk about past relationship at a “high level”, meaning that we acknowledge to each other that this is not my first relationship, and we may talk about some of our past experiences, however we do not go into depth about each of our past relationships. This varies, depending on our past experiences, how deeply hurt or angry we may still be over a past relationship and how much time has gone by since we were in that relationship.
The question is, how much detail do you really want to know about their past relationships and how much detail do you think you are “entitled to know”?
The real question should be, how does knowing details about a persons past relationships add strength to your relationship?
There are fine lines here, aren’t there? Knowing too much too early in your relationship may set up some preconceived ideas of what you should expect in this relationship. Knowing too much detail may cause you to start comparing yourself against a former lover, you may even become somewhat insecure about these past loves of your partner.
True, you may gain some insight into your partners relationship patterens, their behavior, their likes and dislikes, however it is important to remember that was in the past. This is you, this is your relationship and what your partner did not find enjoyable with someone else, may end up being wonderful with you.
It is too easy to get hung up on the past relationships, what happened, why it happened, could it happen to you. You could set yourself up for some false assumptions and expectations.
The game that sometimes gets played between couples is they one person will bring up a past relationship as a comparison. This is usually a control play to inflict hurt on the other person during a disagreement, “Your acting just like _______! or Well, _______ always did that for me”. You know how this goes. A person may use in past relationships in another way and say “Well, I at least I am not as bad as ______ or I am not ______, so don’t expect me to act that way”.
You see, knowing too much detail in the early stages of a relationship can be opening your relationship up to things that could cause more trouble then they do help.
Is it okay to discuss past relationships in detail? Maybe, however I would say that detailed discussions about past relationships should be held off until your relationship matures, until you have defined yourselves as a long term relationship and you both feel very secure about who you are as individuals and as a couple.
I do not think anyone in a relattionship has a “right” or is “entitled” to know about all of your past relationships. It is totally up to each person to reveal what they want to reveal as they feel it is appropriate.
The key is to focus on your current relationship, who you are as individuals, who you are as a couple. The dynamic of your relationship is unique. Build on your relationship, do not use faulty materials from your past relationships in the construction of your current relationship.
Remember are past is part of our life, we take lessons learned and use them as we go forward, however the past never is what drives us forward! The past is the past, focus on where you are now, enjoy the moment, embrace today!
If I could talk at length to three of the last partners of a guy I wanted to seriously date (be it a girlfriend or a wife), it would save me HUGE trouble down the road. Your past partners know who you really are, and how you treat someone…
Talking too much too soon may indeed be more inof. than someone needs to know if they feel emotionally theatened or unfairly compared to.
But I say that while each of us will interact uniquely with someone because we come into it as unique oursleves, there is still a bottom line of character and morals and behavior patterns that is crucial to know.
Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards is an excellent case in point. Before she married him, she was quoted in People Magazine as saying something about the past being the past, she didn’t need to know about it, she believed what he said to her about having changed, and that was good enough for her.
Ignorance is not bliss. Genuine communication so you don’t make assumptions is very important. But so is knowing what you might be getting into… Any Enron shareholders agree on this point ???
I know I’m being contentious this morning, tobeme, and your post certainly brought up a widely debated topic…
Loving Annie,
I don’t view your post as contentious. I veiw this as great conversation. I think there are thin lines that have to be walked as you dig into someones past relationships. Of course, 99% of the time you are only hearing one side of the story, which will most likley be slanted to that persons favor. If you could have an honest, open conversation with the ex, that would be very telling!
The thing to remember is that your current or new relationship does not have to be predicated on the past and that people do indeed change sometimes as their motivation and enviroment change.
Intimacy embraces truth. Speaking of past intimacy with a current partner tends to defuse its mystery and power. Yet how much is too much? I’m not sure we need to list all the faults of part partners, nor all of their endearing qualities. If we do, we may look angry and overly picky or we may look like we’re wishing for a return to the past. Here’s where the bad part of the game comes into the picture.
I would say this is true one shouldn’t tell their story too quickly. I think information is earned. The longer you know the person the more you know you can trust them the more you will tell them. People often make the mistake of getting involved too quickly. Relationships should evolve slowly and then the intimacy builds naturally. Ultimately you want a partner that you can talk to and share past relationships with but they need to earn that trust first and then you wont have those kind of problems.
Knightofswords,
Very wise words! Thank-you for contibuting so much.
Desiree,
Very wise advice indeed! I agree, sharing this time of information is intimate, which should happen over time as the relationship matures.
well, I think what matters more is in what context the information is given. For example, if I talk about fights I’ve had with past partners and Point the Finger entirely at Them…that is completely different than stating to the new partner. “you know, in the past, in my relationship with XXX, I noticed that we always seemed to fight about me flirting with other men and I realized that while this was due to his insecurity in my love of him, I was also to blame because I was not completely fulfilled in this relationship and really was seeking attention elsewhere.” that holds completely different meaning than if I said “You know, xxx was such an a**hole and got jealous when I even spoke to anyone else, blah blah, blah…”
If the person hasn’t grown or changed, or learned anything from the past and hasn’t started to look inward, and is still blaming everyone else for their misery…that tells me TONS.
So for me, I don’t think it even matters how much, or when info is shared as much as The Context. But that’s just me.
thanks for your many responses to my blog — If I knew how I’d make your additions to my list into a link to your blog — no matter how I try it doesn’t let me do it — please help!
Rod Smith
Good stuff. I have to tell you your past few post have really got me thinking. Sometimes I wonder why people want to get back into a relationship at all. So much emotion, at least for me. I guess I am a, lay it out there kind of person, if asked. But I do think time is key. You can not tell your hurts, and joys to quickly. A trust must be established. Not sure how long that takes.
he he he, tobeme – lots of the relationship theme on your blog
I think it’s okay, providing that both people are secure and ready. Sometimes you have no choice other than to mention a previous partner, especially when you refer to those times in conversation. I find it so awkward when I refer to my past home, or past locations where I lived without also mentioning the ex.
We told each other about past partners early on and there hasn’t really been a problem with dredging up the past… thank goodness. I think that key here is plain old respect for your partner. The only real purpose of bring up past relationships is to bring down your partner in some way. If we remember this and the fact that we LOVE this person, it’s easy to refrain from hurtful remarks during a fight… oh, “discussion”
Hi. I’m new here. I find I ask about my husband’s past relationships more than he asked about mine. When he talks about them, I don’t feel jealous or disturbed. Instead, I actually feel fine about it. Probably because I feel very secure in my relationship with him. I think it boils down to trust. I trust that my husband has dealt with the past issues that he had with his exes.
Faith,
Welcome and thank-you for visiting. I think you hit on a very important point and that is when you feel secure in your relationship the past relationships really don’t matter much. However when we are in a new relationship, usually we feel some what insecure. I think that is why it is very important to be careful early on in the relationship on how much you delve into each others past relationships.
Thanks for adding your thoughts to this conversation. Hope to see you back again.
Fluid,
Yes, I do try to put at least one relationship article in a week. Peope are out there surfing for this type of information and I get inspired to write about it because of relationships that I observe and also from my own relationships.
seandbe,
Glad to hear that I have you thinking! That is the goal of my writing.
People love to be in relationships, it is our nature to commune with others, that is why we keep entering relationships. Plus as each relationship ends, hopefully we learn lessons and take them forward to our next relationship.
I agree timing is very important. I would also say that “intent” is equally important in this matter.
Thanks for coming by and leaving a comment.
Rod,
Thank-you for stopping by. I would love to be linked from your site. Love what you do and the advice that you give.
Don’t know how to help you do what you asked. Maybe one of our readers can help us.
Meredith,
You added some really great thoughts, thank-you.
I agree context of the conversation is very important. I would also add that the intent of the conversation about past relationships is very critical.
You are correct, a lot can be discerned from these conversations when they are done at the right time and the right context.
Dragonmommie,
You bring up an excellent point, respect! When we have respect for each other coupled with unconditional love, then sharing even detailed information about past relationships does not become a problem.
Timing is everything, much of this type of information is best left till when both parties feel secure and ready. This time is different for everyone.
Hi i’m new and i really need advice but its kinda a private matter. me and my girlfriend have been having alot of problems because of the past relations. i was wandering if anyone could help me. if so please email me at mtime234@aol.com. thank you. i really love all of the advice already given.
Mike2g,
Thanks for visiting and thank-you for the kind comment. I hope that some of what you have read here helps. I have sent you a private e-mail. Hope that I or one of the many friends of this blog can help.
Great advice-it’s like need to remember that ‘that was then and this is now’ with a heavy empahisis on the now. The only real question is ‘can I get along with this person’, everything else is a story.
Kevin,
That is it. It is all about what is happening now, not what happened in the past nor what could happen in the future. Thanks for your thoughts!
oppss… sorry the articles site is located at Jump over to: http://www.iKnowAboutit.com/GetYourExBack/articles (drop the period at the end)
I don’t think it is important to go into details about the past especially if your partner wants to know the sexual things. I believe it is very personal and should be kept private to yourself. Everyone has a past whether it is good or bad, you are intitled to your own past relationships. I think if both partners are mature and can deal with the past then it shouldn’t be a problem. But I personally wouldn’t want to share any happy or sad moment I’ve had. You wouldn’t know how your partner may react and take the information that was given.
Mia,
Very true, one never knows how a parner may re-act or how they may choose to use the information later in the relationship. THanks for stopping by.
Im in the oppisite side of the boat. I was in a relashionship for a year now and in the early stages of it i made the mistake of saying too much… a year passed and she left me over it. Shes also a virgin and thinks that because i have had sex that it would make us less special. A whole year we talked and were very serious and then it flared up again. On her way out she made coments about me being stupid for what i did and that she was gonna go have sex with someone just to make it even…. Im hurting so bad from this because i love here dearly and shes doing this out of anger. I cant even get a word in edgewise. I feel like i can do nothing and I know shes making a big mistake. I didnt do anything to hurt her as we were together but when shes angry, it doesnt matter. I feel lost now without her and I don’t know what to do…. If only she would stop being so mad, and realise that my past was my past and had no bearing on our future. Someone help me… im gonna have a breakdown.
Michael,
First, I would not worry too much about her saying that she was going to go out and have random sex to even the score. She most likely will not act on these words. You were honest about your past and that is a good thing. Your girlfriend had a right to know that you were not a virgin. There is not much you can do until she calms down to the point where she is willing to talk in a rational mode. You may try communicating through a letter. If you have the opportunity to communicate with her when she is in a state to listen then I suggest that you express to her that the person that you are today is a product of all the things that have transpired in your past and that is who she is/was attracted to. We cannot undo the past, we can only live in the present, she must accept this for your relationship to be able to resume.
For yourself, you must accept that this is not something you can control. I suggest you take this time to re-find yourself, love who you are and understand that another person does not make you whole, that you are already whole and that you live and love because of who you are and not who is or who isn’t in your life.
Blessings to you!
This game has never been one I play… because today is today – that relationship is over and why invest energy on something that is no longer present. That said, past relationships often are present relationships that have transformed – which is a different situation entirely!
(or is it?)