The Naked Soul

What is one of the pivotal points of any relationship? The pivotal point is communication; quite often the better the communication the stronger the relationship. The weaker the communication the weaker the relationship is.

When we talk about communication in a relationship, communication is not limited to the words we use. As a matter of fact, how we communicate is rarely about the words we use! In a relationship we communicate with words, yes, however much more is communicated through things like our tone, our body language, our eyes, our facial expression and  our reactions after the exchange of words.

Words themselves are very powerful and can be used to invoke both positive and negative reactions from each other. How and when we use our words is even more powerful. In a long term relationship we learn when it is best to communicate certain things and when we choose to be less than nice, we know exactly what words and actions will push the other person’s buttons.

In some relationships it appears that pushing each others buttons becomes the game of choice, it becomes a somewhat dysfunctional way to keep each other entertained within the relationship. Some people even get to the point where they will use button pushing as a way to entertain their friends as in “Watch what she/he does when I say _____”.

When we are less then honest with our words, the tell is usually in our face, eyes, actions and reactions and usually the other person quickly picks up on our insincerity.

The simple phrase “I love you” can evoke many emotions or drop flat depending on how we say it and when we say it. When it is said in a perfucntionary manner it tends to fall flat and have little to no impact. When we say it in the place of an apology or because we know we have been less that we could be or because we want something then it loses its power. If the only time we say “I love you” is in the throws of passion, then it too may lose the desired impact.

The key is we must learn and re-learn how to communicate with each other in a way that is sincere, in a way that is caring. We must choose to listen which is much different from hearing. We must choose to speak from a place of love and not use our words, facial expressions, body language to invoke guilt, pain or any form of insincerity.

If you are in a long term relationship, think back to when the relationship was new and you were in the exploratory stage of the relationship where everything was new and exciting. Even the silent times you spent together were full of communication, flirting with the eyes, smiling at each other as you passed in the hall just to let the other person know that you loved them and felt happy that they were in your life.

As relationships mature, there doesn’t appear to be as much to explore about each other and some of the “cute” stories that you initially love become the very stories that take you over the edge when you hear them for the umpteenth time.

The truth is that this is all a point of perspective and a willingness of both people to keep their relationship new and exciting in a positive way. There is so much happening in the world on a daily basis, how could you possibly run out of things to talk about. I recall a long term relationship I was in many years ago, where I came home and read the paper every night while the other person made dinner. Now you may say, so what? The key is that I came home, stood in the kitchen while she cooked supper and read the paper out loud and we would discuss the things we found interesting in that day’s news. We never ran out of conversation, each night we had great fodder for conversation and we never knew where it was going to take us. This was a purposeful way to keep our conversations fresh and alive and it kept us close and knowing each other better through the thoughts we would share.

As in almost everything we discuss here, the first step is to increase awareness. In this case we must create awareness of every aspect of our communication with each other. Awareness and honest evaluation of all the ways which we communicate can be very enlightening.

I

 grew up in a very typical 60’s suburb, where all the homes looked the same and everyone knew each other. All the neighborhood kids grew up with each other, played together and learned about life together. When tragedy hit a family on the street, everyone felt the reverberations of it. Across the street from us lived a family, a wife, father and two sons. Both of the sons were older than me, however I knew them to say hi or when they would visit with my older siblings. When I was about 8 years old, both of these boys were in the service. This was during the time of the Vietnam War. The one boy was stationed in Hawaii. One summer night his family received a call that there son had be killed in an auto accident, he was only nineteen years old. The family was devastated. We all mourned the lost of their son. I can remember how the neighborhood women gathered to help the family through this horrific time. Of course I was only eight and since I was not close with this neighbor boy the impact of his death on me was not a great one. Fast forward ten years, and the family is struck by another tragic event. The older, surviving brother of the same family parked his car atop a very high bridge which was less then a mile from the river, exited the car and plunged over the side of the bridge to his death. He jumped into the cold of the river in the dead of winter and his lifeless body was not found until the water warmed up that summer when my older brother found the body washed up along the river bank (my brother had been looking for the body on a regular basis since he jumped).

Why he jumped to his death was a mystery to all of us. He was in his late twenties, he was happily married, two wonderful little children and he was doing what he loved to do for a living. There was a note left behind, however we never learned what it said. From all appearances this man had everything to live for.

What I didn’t know then is what I learned over the weekend was that he and his brother who had perished in the car accident were very close and that he took his brothers premature death very hard. In fact after the funeral, the older brother disappeared into New York City for a year, living off the streets, trying to come to terms with what had happened. He resurfaced a year later and began to pull his life back together and became very successful.

What I learned yesterday was that there was a witness the night that he jumped off the bridge. The witness related that this man stopped his car on the bridge, calmly exited his car, climbed onto the rail of the bridge and reach is arm out in front of him in a way that looked like he was hugging someone and as he reached out to hug this unseen someone he simply walked off the rail of the bridge. The speculation was that he was reaching out to hug his brother.

I am not attempting to draw any lesson from this story. I am simply relating it as it has been told to me. I felt compelled to share this with you. I cannot tell you how many times I have had chills run up and down my spine as I wrote this.

It does make you think.

I do believe life is eternal. I also believe that there is much that we do not yet see, however it is very real and present.

I sit here today looking out my office window at a very picturesque scene of a church, lush trees and mountains which are obscured by lazy low hanging clouds.

 As I sit here taking in this scene of a drizzly, overcast day and I remember how as a young child I use to adore these days. I loved these days as a child because there was no expectation that I should be outside playing. These were days when I could hole away in my room, listen to the radio and dive into a good book or play board games with friends. It was this type of day where dreams were hatched and worlds were created.  

I am one who is rarely concerned with the weather other than to know how to dress for the day. I don’t let rain dampen my day. I remember living in England for three years where it didn’t take long to figure out you could not plan around the weather. You simply planned what you were going to do and made adjustments because of the weather as needed.

Life in general is much like this isn’t it? We can’t afford to wait for the fair weather days of life to do all the things we need/want to do. We must plan and make adjustments as we go. We never know when a storm may hit our life. We can never truly predict how are day will go. Life is full of surprises that have the ability to throw us off track. The key is to understand that is how life is, there are very few absolutes in a given day and we must be able to roll with the punches as my mother used to tell me.

Life is wonderful, be it a sunny day or a day with clouds in it. There is joy to found in all facets of our life, if we are aware enough to notice.

Live your life full of love and you will love your life no matter what may come your way!

Have you ever been told or heard someone say “You are not paid to think” or that “Curiosity killed the cat”, or some similar phrase which is designed to have you sit down and shut up and get in line with the rest of the world?

Society has forever attempted to suppress the thoughts of people, particularly thoughts which were not aligned with excepted cultural beliefs. Many people have burned at the stake or died some other horrible death because they dared to think and took it one step further and were bold enough to share their thoughts with the rest of the world. Jesus Christ was crucified for his thoughts, Socrates was forced to drink hemlock for his, and the list goes on and on. There are countless people whom share no fame who have died for daring to express their thoughts. Galileo was placed under house arrest for his thoughts. Even today, in our so called modern world, there are still people who are put to death or punished in some way because they have chosen to think for themselves.

Thinking people scare political parties and some religious organizations. The fear is that if you put too much thought into what they stand for that you might find the thread that unravels all that which they stand for.  In many relationships the dominant person often attempts to suppress the thinking of their mate. Why, because they want to control the other person and they fear that “thinking” may enable the person not to depend on them.

Free thinking is sometimes even suppressed within our schools which for many is the bedrock of knowledge. Free thinkers often frustrated their learned teachers with their question of why things are the way they are.

If history has taught us anything it’s that it’s the thinkers who change the world. It is those who think and act on their thoughts that enabled us to enjoy many things which we take for granted today, flight, space exploration, electricity, running water, medicine, etc.

We are thinkers; it is our natural state of grace, to think. Want proof, hang around a small child for a few hours. Their favorite question is “Why?”. They are inherently curious; they love to think and to express their thoughts.

As we grow older, (notice I don’t use the word mature) we tend to get beaten down by the adults in our life and we learn not to be so curious and not to think too much. We learn that despite what we have been told, there does seem to be stupid questions, other wise why would we get the reactions we do from people. We learn to suppress our natural inclination to think and to ask questions to the point where we forget how to really think and how to ask questions.

Many must re-learn how to think for themselves. We must learn to look through the eyes of a child and ask questions and not blindly except what is presented to us.

Can you over think something, yes, I do believe that we can get so caught up in thinking about something that it is not effective for us.

Balance in everything, sometimes there are times where not thinking is the most appropriate thing we can do at the moment.

Free yourself to think. Give yourself permission to think beyond that which you know and give yourself permission to question the status quo. There is great freedom and great courage to be found in free thinking.

Dare to think!

Are you dissatisfied with your life? I was reading a book over the weekend and one of the main premises is that everyone is dissatisfied with their life. It went on to state that this is proven by the fact that everyone wants more of something, more money, more love, more happiness, more wisdom, more something.  I personally don’t believe this is true of all people. I think there is a distinct difference between wanting more and being dissatisfied with one’s current life situation. Of course most people would like to have more of something in their life, however, having the desire to grow in abundance in any way is not a direct indictment that one is not satisfied with their current life.

Marketers and many authors would like us to think that just because we desire something more in our life that we must then be dissatisfied with our current life situation. This is kind of like saying that because I desire dessert after a meal that  I am not satisfied with my meal. Of course one has nothing to do with the other. I could be perfectly satisfied by my meal and yet still have a desire to eat dessert and if I  don’t get dessert I would not be any less satisfied with my meal.

I personally have to say that I live a very blessed life, one which I am satisfied with in the “now”.  Do I want more abundance in my life, more wisdom, more growth, more love, of course I do, however I am in no way dissatisfied with the life I live in this moment, nor am I dissatisfied with what I have in my life. If I die today, my last thoughts will not be of what I wish I had more of and this is because I am satisfied, I am happy and I know that nothing that I don’t currently have will make me any happier.

The key is to tune into your self and to understand what marketing people do, they build their industry on FUD, which is an acronym for Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt. If the marketing teams of this world can instill enough FUD into your brain you can easily believe that you are dissatisfied with your life.

Create your own level of awareness of your satisfaction of life. Do not compare it to what your culture is telling you and do not compare your self to others. Your satisfaction with your life should be solely based on you and not what others think or direct.

Remember wanting more does not always mean that you are not satisfied. You can be satisfied and have your dessert too!

It feels good when we please other people doesn’t it? It gives us great joy to know that we have pleased another. We are often rewarded with kind words, a smile or with some other token of appreciation. We often make efforts to “please” our spouse, our children the people or company that we work for. We even make efforts to please people we do not even know. It is wonderful to be able to please people!

Pleasing people can be an addictive behavior. Sometimes our need to please others overrides our need to please ourselves. Many people get to a point where pleasing others is not enough, they need to please everyone and  We may even get to a point where we fool ourselves by saying that even though I do not have the time/energy to please myself that I am okay because I am pleasing others. This becomes our story, and for most it works for awhile, however often times at some point, we come to realize that our desire to please overrides our need to please ourselves and we become lost in a disease to please.

When our story becomes so focused that we compute our value on how we please others we become devastated when we feel we are not pleasing someone/everyone. We become very sensitive to how others respond to us or don’t respond to us. We may even create problems in our relationships with others that don’t even exist. We tend to believe it is our inherent responsibility to make everyone else happy.

Our perception of others reactions becomes skewed and our desire to please becomes a liability rather than the natural gift that it should be.  When this happens we lose touch with ours self and our relationship with the world at large.

As in most things, the first step is awareness. We must be able to stop and really look at what we are doing and what our motives are. We must also ask are we neglecting our self in any way? Do we feel that we are sacrificing to please others?

We must love and embrace our self; we must take care of our needs. When we do this first and make this our priority, we are then in a better position to help others for all of the right reasons and to feel the satisfaction of pleasing others and also accept ourselves when our actions do not please others or create the reaction that we expected.

Live from your heart and soul, give freely to your self and of your self to others and know a joyful life.

I had the distinct privilege of attending a talent show this past Friday evening. I must be truthful and state that I was not all juiced up about going to this talent show, however once I got there and allowed myself to be open the experience I was indeed honored to be there at that moment and for the next 52 minutes I was enthralled with the experience. As I sat in my seat, I noticed the venue was quickly turning into a sold out event (although this was a free show) and that there were soon no more seats to be had. I was grateful to be sitting in the second row from the stage. As we waited for the curtain to go up on this show, I queried my escort for the evening about this talent show. I did not see the likes of Paula, Simon or Randy and asked if this show was being judged, which I was told it wasn’t. I inquired further to find out that this talent show was not judged, nor were there any prizes or designation of first, second or third place. Now my interest was peaked!

I then heard someone say that there are never boo’s from the audience.

After being exposed to the likes of American Idol for the last few years, the thought of no one judging the talent, not even the audience seemed strange, yet wonderfully refreshing. Now I was excited about what I was about to witness, my spirit was elevated and I felt as light as a child at play as I awaited the show to begin.

Curtain went up and the host of the show came out on stage to introduce the first of many acts. The host had forgone the usual tuxedo and instead looked more like Bob Hope on the old USO tours, he wore a camouflaged bush hat, rolled up on each site, a colorful print button down shirt, khaki shorts and sneakers. I half expected him to start to roll out some one liners. He eloquently proceeded to welcome us and introduce the first act. There were singers and dancers, there were acts that played the guitar, there were solo acts and group acts and at the end of each act, no matter how bad or good it was, the audience would roar with applause, whistles, hoots and hollers  as if it was the best thing they had ever saw.

Each person who exited that stage did so with a big smile of satisfaction that there hours of practice had paid off and they had brought joy to that crowd of people for the few moments that they were on stage.

Not one single person who performed on that stage was judged! The room was filled with joy as the audience embraced every performer with love and respect and gave back to them so much love and so much encouragement.

As I sat there completely immersed in this utopian environment, I realized how blessed I was to be a part of the moment and a part of the larger whole. My awareness on how much we judge others was heightened by being in a place of complete non-judgment. My desire was that everyone should feel and take away from this talent show how wonderful and natural it felt not to judged and to allow all to simply “Be”.

May you approach everyone and everything today without judgment of what is good or bad, happy or sad, may you give yourself and others permission to “be” and may you and others be ensconced with and unconditional love and acceptance.

May you feel the beauty, love and joy that I felt at a 6^th grade talent show on a Friday evening and may you share the power and beauty of non judgment with all those who cross your path.

As I was on my way to the park and lock where I park my car I observed a lady coming up the sidewalk, it looked like she had a rolled up newspaper in her hand. She stopped to ask me a question. I heard her ask “Do you get the Times?”  Thinking that I was be solicited for a newspaper subscription, I said “Yes I do” and proceed to continue walking. Well, I got about three steps away and I hear the woman say, “Well then what time is it?”  Realizing my mistake, I apologized and gave her the time. 

A number of things happened here, one I was in a hurry as I had been most of the day trying to successfully manage a number of tasks and roles and I did not take the time to really listen. Secondly, I made some rather broad assumptions based on visual cues and my not so astute assessment of the situation.

All in all a small burp on a rather hectic, yet joyful day. This incident did create awareness. I immediately became aware that I was going at too fast a pace and by doing so I had allowed myself not to fully engage with what was going on around me.

We all get busy from time to time and when we do we tend to become rushed and not as at tentative to the moment as we should be. Many of us live in a world of multi-tasking and shoulder multiple roles in our day life. The best analogy I have heard to describe multi-tasking is that of a juggler.

Picture a juggler, juggling multiple balls in the air, could be three balls, could b 20 balls. Each ball represents a task/responsibility. In this analogy there are three kinds of balls, even though there may be many balls in the air. Each ball that you, the juggler is juggling is wood, rubber or glass. When you are juggling wooden, rubber and glass balls each one has different consequences when dropped.

Let’s say in juggling as in life, something will eventually drop, especially as we take more on. If we drop the rubber ball, it’s no real problem because the rubber ball will simply bounce and we will be able to pick it up in mid-air and continue juggling all of the balls without much impact at all. If we drop a wooden ball, the impact is a little greater because when the wooden ball hits the floor it hits with a thud and just sits there. We have to then stop juggling all the other balls long enough to pick the wooden ball up and get all the balls back in the air. If we drop a glass ball, then the impact is much more severe, because when the glass ball hits the ground it shatters into many pieces and if we can replace the glass ball, which often we can’t, it is going to take a great deal more time to find a new glass ball and get all of the other balls back in the air.

The key is to know what the glass balls in our life are and know that we can afford to occasionally drop the wooden and rubber balls.

It is important that we give ourselves permission not to be everything to everybody and to excuse ourselves when we do drop the occasional ball or when we have to put all the balls aside with the understanding that the balls in a very true sense our an illusion of our reality and that in the long run, we will not be judged by how many balls we kept in the air.

Juggle the balls in your life with love and with the understanding that the balls are your creation, thus you can make choices to how each ball impacts your life.

Have you ever been following someone into a room or following a car in front of you and found yourself tripping over something or having a near accident? Most people have experienced this situation. It’s kind of like the picture of the lemmings following each other over the edge of a cliff. The lemmings are following each other so closely that they don’t see the edge of the cliff until it’s too late. Of course we humans think that we are far superior to the lemmings and would never do such a silly thing, however in reality we tend to model lemming behavior quite often in our life.

When is the last time you were bored? I recall as a child growing up, one of the most foolish things you could do was to say aloud that you were bored. My parents did not believe in boredom. They were hard working lower middle class Americans who did not get the concept of being bored. They could not understand with all of the modern amenities, 3 channels on TV, radio, books, etc how even on a cold rainy day one could have the audacity to say they were bored. If you did make the rookie mistake of saying you were bored or that you even appeared to be bored than you would be given some chore to do which was surely designed to teach you not to be bored. With this attitude that my parents held, I quickly found ways not to be bored. I found many ways to entertain myself as I grew up.

To this day, I still cringe when I hear someone exclaim that they are bored.  I just can’t imagine how anyone could possibly be bored, yet it does seem to happen. It may happen even more now than it ever has before. Why, one may ask, do people become bored? 

We have become a culture of doers; many feel that they constantly must be doing something and/or that they must be entertained at the same time.  We do live in an interesting time where we as a society are constantly “doing”. The sad thing is that when we do take some time or accidentally find time where we are not doing; we often become agitated, not knowing what to do with ourselves

Boredom is simply the state of believing that we should be doing something else, usually something we perceive is better than what we are doing at the moment.

Boredom than is quite simply a pattern of thoughts. We choose to be bored.  We never have to feel bored and when we do find ourselves slipping into what we would refer to as boredom than it is up to us to recognize this state of thought for what it is and choose to make a shift in our perception.

Are you bored with your relationship?

Are you bored with work?

Are you bored with your self?

If you find you are bored with any aspect of your life, then you must ask yourself why? How can you change you thoughts, which will change your actions to remove the boredom?

Many of the modern inventions, washing machines, microwave ovens, cell phones, computers, etc that were designed to lessen the amount of time we are doing the daily chores of life and give us more free time in the end seems to have only given us more time to do more things in a day. Most people have learned to cram more into a day rather than learn how to relax and take some time off from always being in a “doing” mode.

Truth is we like to “do”, we like to be busy. Many like to be in constant state of doing rather than be in a state of being, for many fear the state of simply being. Many fear that if they took the time to simply “be” than they might discover something about themselves that they would rather avoid when the reality is that in self discovery we may in deed find things about ourselves that are not what we want to find, however I know that those things are less than 1% of who we are and the other 99% of what we will find within ourselves will be so powerful that the negatives we find will be quickly discarded.

Once you shift your perspective, you will find that you will relish the times in your day where you have a few minutes. You can use this time to meditate, to go sit on a park bench and let the sun warm your face, to recall all that you have to be grateful for, to sit and people watch, etc. To “Be” is and incredible state of being. One which is critical to our continued growth. It is of great importance that in a way we find the time to be “bored” for this time can be used in many powerful ways.